Of course The Big Block Goes on Top inspired the title for the book and more information will be there as the release date nears.

Our new home  http://syinlysweblog.net  is a work in progress and still under construction but all new post and revisions of old post are there. If you have noticed disappearing post it’s because they have been revised and are now available only at  Syinly’s Weblog.net  Thank you for visiting.

The first few weeks back in Missouri, I wanted to leave. I thought somebody would try and stop. I thought Louie or Bentley would have asked me to stay. Soon I realized I to stay in Missouri because I had enrolled La Freda in school. During the first couple of months back while I was at home with La Joy, I started writing The Big Block Goes on Top, at first only my first homeless experience was included. A foster boy came to stay with us and that changed the dynamics of the house. It felt like we were still in the shelter so many rules.

As a result of my mother calling child abuse on me while I was Atlanta that reopened some unresolved issues in our relationship. I thought maybe if we attended a class at church together we could spend time together and begin to try and repair the damage. The class was interesting. I learned some things. At the end of the class we did spiritual gift assessment. I discovered my gifts were faith, encouragement, miracles, and teaching. I thought about how I liked to buy bible and other christian books for my friends, so I could see the gift of encouragement. Faith my experience in Atlanta had increased my faith. I didn’t understand the miracles, but I must admit God allowed a lot of miracles thing to happen to me while I was homeless in Atlanta. When we did a spiritual gifts assessment it was revealed that my mother’s gifts were mercy, administration and intercession. I thought that is bullshit.

While I finally went to apply for welfare in Missouri, no long waits like in Georgia. My caseworker told me she would send me to MERS goodwill to see if I need a GED. I thought she did not read my application stating I had graduated from college. At MERS goodwill I told them I had warrant for my arrest in Berkeley and they did not want me to do job search until I could clear up my legal issues because they thought the warrant would cause me to lose my employment. They referred me to the Connections To Success office in St. Charles to get clothes for an interview.

After Christmas I got job at a local call center. In my training class there were only three people. After the first day one person did not return. When I started training they wanted to sit me by these men and they were talking about some of everything. I thought I really did not want to sit by them because they might tempt me to talk about inappropriate things as well. During my probation period I was scared I would lose my job because La Freda kept getting sick the school would call me at work and I would have to leave and pick her up. A doctors visit was required each time before they would allow her to return to school. After my probationary period ended I won a contest a work and received a cash prize. I decided maybe I would stick with the job longer and decided not to look for something better. Later one of guys and I became close I had him draw me a picture of a red cross.

For my birthday I had a girl’s day out. I went to Apple bees in Clayton with my girlfriends and then we went to go see the movie Beauty Shop. It was the first birthday celebration, I had where I was not concerned about spending it with a guy. Moses and I were still trying to work things out. He kept saying I had not repented.

When my situation got similar to the how things were before I left St. Louis. I was living off a power strip. La Joy had stuck some scissors in the electric outlet tripping the circuit breaker. The social services had cut off my daycare assistance. I did not like my job anyway. I felt the company’s policy were unethical. They did not really allow us to help the people. I started getting bad performance reviews.

In previous employment history I had never gotten bad performance review except when I worked in a call center. I felt the like the dad in The Incredibles working or insura care. I got suspended for insubordination. The assistant manger told me to think about weather I really wanted this job or not and call them. They told me to call. I actual went back up there. I felt like if I did not drive there I would not go back. They refuse to allow me on the floor. I called from a phone in the lobby. I was supposed to inform management if I wanted to stay or quit. The project manager hung up the phone before, I could finish the sentence about I would quit. My job performance went up and then down.

For father’s day we went to Lake of Ozark and then on to Branson. The girls and I had our own hotel room that was the greatest. We rode on the ducks. I told my dad that was nice of him to take me a on a trip for father’s day. I attempted to quit again my unit manager talked me out of it. I thought God would not let me quit. After a year I finally decided to apply for sub sized housing. I was turned down because of a previous landlord reference.

Thanksgiving the girls and I spent with Moses and his mom had thanksgiving dinner at her house. I helped clean up after wards.

A week before Christmas I got a second job at wal-mart. I was surprised the wal-mart personnel manager that interviewed me said I looked like I belong in jewelry. The day before Christmas Eve I lost my keys in wal-mart. Moses came took me to work and dropped the girls at the day care. I told Moses my heart was hardened I was not going to try and reconcile things between us anymore. I had stopped calling him as much. I had known for weeks it was over. I just did not want to say it. When I decided to write my autobiography and he was so against it.

After I paid the locksmith, I went into Wal-Mart to get an extra key made. I got a key chain that said God never shuts one door without opening another one. I was thinking more about him opening the door to a house. A customer at wal-mart asked me if I would like to find some place to live. I told him yes but I had just started my second job and I did not have any saving yet. I talked to him a couple of times. He came back in after Christmas He told me he wanted a girlfriend. I told him I wanted to take it slow.

Essay 2 –Ly Syin -LL987322447

Hands on Atlanta will allow me to transition into the education field. The people, technology, and communications skills I have will help me fulfill the programs mission of providing a caring adults that strive to give children a safe place to learn and an academic foundation to build on and teaching skills that can be used through out life and for scholastic purtist, as well as personal gain.

My customer service skills I have gained in business and especially educational settings will enable me to deal effectively with students, school staff and parents. I know from my previous work experience and volunteer that I enjoy teaching computer skills. At Harris state college I assisted computer illiterate students in becoming experts in power point and other software applications. It was rewarding for me to see students progress and embrace technology instead of fear it.

I have worked in the past with teachers doing distance learning.

As a smart classroom or multimedia technician I helped professors with integration of technology in the class room, assisting with power point presentations that appealed to auditory and visual learners. More recent lay I have taught t adults basic about Microsoft word.

During my time working at with pre-service teachers, I began to desire to become more involved in the field of education. Hands on Atlanta Americoprs project gives me the opportunity to get more involved in the field of education making the transition from observer to participant.

Being a service Leader will allow me the learn more about students learning style, lesson planning and class room management,

With my passion for reading and technology my goal is to become a library media technology specialist

Ceola my cousin was a bishop. She told me that when I learned not to focus on a man so much God was going to use me. Ceola told me she had run from God for a long time. She also told me one of my grandparents was doing to die. Paul, my grandfather died a few years later from prostate cancer.

We had been attending church for a few years, when I decided to be baptized. I was baptized at a Baptist Church, in the summer of 1988, so I could sing in the youth choir. I had wanted to join the youth choir because the kids in the choir seemed to be so happy. I thought God made them happy maybe it would rub off on me.

When I was baptized, I was wondering if I was pregnant. I wanted a fresh start, but I did not know how. I was the first person baptized that Sunday. A girl was younger than I was but she did not want to go first. The deaconess asked us what order we wanted to go in. There were 19 candidates for baptism. The girl suggested the oldest person go first. They decided to go by height. The girl was younger but I was the shortest. The pastor and the deacon held me up in the pool before they dunked me. I felt uncomfortable because they would not allow me stand in the pool but the congregation would not have been able to see me because of my height. That day my cousin Ophelia was baptized too.

Church was important to me there were many handsome young men there. I remembered few sermons. Jesus dying on the cross did not make sense to me at all. I enjoyed singing in the choir. My favorite sermons were about the fiery furnace from the book of Daniel and the untamable tongue. I could relate to that sermon because I was verbally abusive and very sarcastic.

My maternal grandma  did not take communion and I struggled with communion too. I always felt I was not clean enough. I did not want to take it because of guilt. I never felt I was forgiven.

When I heard the choir perform Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” and everyone stood up. I thought if Jesus is here, I am not ready. Later I learned that everyone stood up because of tradition when it was first performed in London in 1743. The King was so moved with emotion he stood and everyone else did because he did.

I decided to attend Vacational Bible School I had gone one time before with some neighborhood kids and I enjoyed it. Since I was going to church on a regular basis, I wanted to go. On the first night when they asked why did we come? Did not want to admit I wanted to come. I said I came for something to do.

During VBS I got into with one of the teenage girls (her grandma was a deaconess) in my class she had a baby. She was attracted to this guy. They were talking about having sex with him on the church bus. Since she already had a baby, I gave the guy some condoms, because I thought she did not need any more babies. Some body told the director of Vacation Bible School. The director wanted to know where I got the condoms from, I told her my Dad gave them to me. The girl wanted to fight me and I was scared of her. The other people on the church bus had to hold her back as I got off the church bus. The next night I took a forty-ounce bottle with me. Nothing happen. After everything that happen, I was too embarrassed to continue going.

I noticed this attractive man that came in at first I thought he was the manager at Mc Donalds, because he was asking everyone how there food was . As he interviewed this man for position at this company. I asked him something and we started talking and in the course of the conversation. I told him I was homeless. He gave me his business card and he said he would donate some toys to shelter since was close to Christmas. I began talking to him and he became my cake daddy. One day before Thanksgiving it was raining Bentley called me and asked me where I was. I told him I was walking to the train station. He told me we shouldn’t be walking in the cold. He came and picked La Joy and me up and dropped us off at CNN Center. Bentley gave me some money and told me don’t be scared to spend it, that he would give me more later. I had never had a man give me money before. He offered to get my hair done. I was surprised. I told him no thanks I needed a coat. He agreed to buy me a coat. It was cold and I did not have coat. I spent the whole day wondering if he was my prince charming. I had read Ruth but I wasn’t looking for my Boaz yet. After he finished working he picked us up and took us to his house. I loved his house. He had decorated with African art. I thought I would probably decorate my house like his if I had one. It was so nice to be in somebody’s house. He told me I could take a nap in his bed. La Joy fell asleep she did not get a nap that day. He started feeling on me. We had sex. He took me to World Changes for worship service that Sunday. He told me was sorry he had taken advantage of me. The message was about sexual sin. I got mad at him and he gave me 100.00 dollars and dropped me off at the west end mall. I felt like trash my pride wanted to refuse the money but I knew I needed. I brought myself some clothes from Rainbow and some shoes. I brought a red coat at the thrift store. Newbirth would pick up the homeless at shelters in the Atlanta metro area. At Newbirth one Sunday a month they feed the homeless and gave away clothing. They also had beauticians and barbers do hairstyles. They gave away Newbirth bags. The one I received had “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all his righteous: All these things shall be added to you (Matthew 6:33). Louie took me over his cousin’s for Thanksgiving. We had traditional Thanksgiving dinner but everything was seasoned different. I got to meet one of Louie’s sister and an aunt. I joked with his aunt when we left that Louie should not be burden he should look good. She told me I would not let him have shit. I wondered when I took La Joy ride the Priscilla the pink pig at Macys I thought what would the family who had been so nice to La Joy. I got freelance audiovisual job at the Renaissance hotel in downtown Atlanta. I worked a week. My final day I was late. I lost track of time riding the train. It felt good to be working. I just wished I did not have to spend the day hanging out before I had to go. I was a tech for a party a local HMO was having. I had not worked with DVD’s much. I could not figure out how to fast-forward the DVD during the rehearsal. I prayed I spend the rest of the evening going over it. The view form the 25th floor was speculating. I thought I wish Louie could be there with me. Louie picked me up after work. I could not believe he was keeping LaJoy overnight and he would come to pick me up from work just to be nice. For Christmas the shelter had a lot of activities. The Atlanta hawks had a dinner party for us at a fancy Italian restaurant. They had cameras they were videotaping go hawks TV. They signed few autographs. This group gave us Wal-mart gift card. We go a lot of stuff. All I wanted was a place to stay. La Joy got all kinds of toys from the shelter it took about an hour to open everything. The Sunday before Christmas I went to the day shelter. I could not get a seat a on the bus. I went to the church next to my sister’s house. I saw one of the Minster’s that did a chapel service at my sister’s house. After church the Minster invited me along with his congregation for lunch at Furs Cafeterias. One of the church members gave La joy some home made candy. I spent Christmas day with La Joy and her dad. He was supposed to take us to movies we drove around to different theaters but nothing good for kids was playing. We ended up eating in CNN center. The day after Christmas we where cleaning up I was stressed out, my 90 days were almost up. I throw I broom and the staff put me out. Ms. C took my stuff to her house and said La Joy could stay until I found another shelter. I went back to JOC Louie came and picked me up he gave me the money to pay for a couple of nights. I bought a sleeping bag with what was left on my Wal-Mart gift card and I did not take much with me because my stuff was stolen last time. Before when I left the Salvation Army this girl gave me Operation Hope’s phone number. I had gone and filled out some paper work months ago. I decided to stop by. I got on the wrong bus and had to walk. They had an opening in their transition-housing program, but I would have a wait a couple of day because did not have not any money. I called the Hotel I had did freelance audiovisual work for and found out I had check that would be enough for me to move immediately. It had been so long since I had been in comfortable environment. This transitional housing program was in an apartment complex in Decatur. I lived with Dr. Nash’s administrate assistant, Ms. Sallie and Erin who was at my sisters house with me moved in a couple of days after me. Erin told me the night left at chapel service one of the evangelists had died. I thought thank God I was not there. I was so excited to get to attend the watch service at New Birth. I think being there was better than being in New York when the ball drops. I enjoyed Smokie Norful. Now I could cook my own food. Louie took La Joy and me to the grocery store. I told him about Cake daddy. Louie told me we would never have sex again. Dr. Nash asked me to give a testimony about my pain on the radio. I wrote the testimony and read it to him. He said I was not sharing my pain. Then I rewrote. I shared everything in my life that caused me to feel hurt from my parents getting divorced to my own divorces. I shared how I did not wash my face or brush my teeth because I was depressed. I talked about how I was the little lonely girl listening to the radio. He produced a play about homelessness. I did the lighting and sound. I taught a couple of computer classes for Dr. Nash.

There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, give me to drink. The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw. For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.  The woman saith unto him, Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet.

One day La Joy and I were at CNN center eating taco bell. This man sitting at another table started talking to us. He told me his name was Jesus. He asked who I was. I told him I am the woman at the well Jesus. He asked where that I was I told him I was in his word the Bible. I tried to find it for him in the bible but I did not know where it was. During service at New Birth bishop said to change your cell phone number because you need to separate from a man that you are involved with. I thought he was talking to me. I mixed feeling about my relationship with cake daddy. I gave my cell phone to Mrs. C and told her I thought that message was for me. Monday they could not change my cell phone number because of service problems. The next day, I went to the store and not service location. I checked the messages and Bentley had called me about the time I had handed Mrs. C the phone on Sunday. I did get the phone number changed. I gave Mrs. C, Bentley business card I did not know his number by heart. In February I got my income tax back Mrs. C started looking for a car for me. We brought a car I did not even have a driver’s license. I was on my way to Mrs. C house to give her 500.00 dollars I had borrowed when I bought the car. I thought I would try and catch Louie dropping off La Joy and give me this book by Myles Monroe. I wanted him to read it. I had missed the bus that dropped me off in front of Mrs. C’s house. Something told me to get on the bus where I would have to walk down. I saw Louie in the car with a girl. I walked on watching. I walked in Mrs. C house after Louie. I was so hurt. I had suspected Louie had another woman but now I had seen her. After he left, I asked Mrs. C if she saw Louie’s other woman. I sat on Mrs. C cough a long time I wanted to cry. My first day driving in Atlanta some one ran in to the back of me. I had gotten a permit. I did not know how to get any where in Atlanta driving. I was so use to taking the bus and train everywhere. I would drive to church even when I did not have any gas. God would put it on somebody’s heart to pass me and envelope with some money. I thought about how he provided daily manna for the Israelites. I kept pressing to I went to the singles conference at Newbirth. I had brought a book by one of the speakers a few weeks before. I enjoyed the conference. One day I went to lunch with my Elizabeth and some men form church.

After La Freda, left Ms. Brown told me it was possible we would get a roommate. I was not pleased and angry with La Freda. I missed her so much. One day I took one of the other women at the shelter daughter to the park with me because she was close to the La Freda’s age. I thought that would help but the little was not well behaved and nothing like my daughter. We got a roommate and things started bad. My roommate Ally was from Argentina and bilingual. My roommate’s daughter caused La Joy to fall and had she had nice bruise. I decided to leave the shelter. I could not find another shelter. We went to Ellis Street I lost a whole package of pampers and the charger to my cell phone. I talked to Allie at the day shelter and decided maybe I had jumped the gun the next night we were not so lucky we. LaJoy and I rode the train late into the night. While we were on the train this man gave La Joy a key chain. He said I could use it to put my keys on after she tired of playing with it. He mentioned something about a home. I said we are praying on that. Before he got off the train, he handed me a ten-dollar bill. He said I do not know why but I think you can use this. We got off the train and went to K-mart. I brought some pampers and cheetos. We had cheetos for dinner. Finally, we went to the Task Force for the Homeless. I slept on the floor with no cover or mats with La Joy on top of me. Bugs were crawling on us. As soon as Marta started running, I left to ride the train until it was time to take La Joy to day care. I begged to go back to the Salvation Army and I had not received my refund yet. The first thing I did was bathe I had not had a bath in three days and I felt horrible.

Mrs. C bought tickets for me and one of the other parents to go HIPS, a gospel play about women and their relationship to men that were out of order. All the children in her day care were from single parent families. She really tried to encourage and help the parents.

My dad sent me a ticket to come home for my uncle’s funeral. It was round trip ticket. I accidentally washed the ticket and it was destroyed. I stayed in St. Louis for a month. La Joy and watch TV all day. I would help La Freda with her homework after school. I think I needed a break from shelter life. Living in the shelter had been hard on my psychically . I had lost some weight. That was a good thing though.

I left St. Louis to go back to Atlanta Halloween night. La Freda was so upset about not going trick or treating. She made me feel so guilty. I wanted to take her back with me. I felt a little spooky riding greyhound bus on Halloween. I slept most of the trip. I had been thinking about going to JOC. I had heard good things about them. I soon realized the Salvation Army was better. I was paying more money to sleep on the floor in a church, then I had been paying to have a semi-private room. There was no privacy. There was only one shower for everyone.Don was at JOC he had found a job at the Omni hotel downtown. The food at JOC was worst then Salvation Army and there was no dining area. La Joy and I usually eat at the underground and then caught the bus from five points back to the shelter. I was so tired one night and one of the other guests, woke me up because I was snoring. Four of my suitcases were stolen out of the storage shed and I lost my identification and all my important papers. I was devastated.

This women name Gwen came to stay at JOC. I had seen her before at the Atlanta Library on each Peachtree. I had suspected she was homeless. She told me My Sisters house was accepting women. It was a brand new shelter. It was a relief after JOC and it was free. I asked a West Indian guy to give me ride to My Sister’s house, I could not take all my stuff on the bus. He kept trying to talk me into staying with him in a motel in Cobb County. At My Sisters house they wanted us to go to chapel service every night. I was in a room with a lot of young women who had to grow up fast. At My sisters house they made the single mom’s go to a Christian parenting classes. I was there a while before I got a suite mate. La Joy would be praise God in chapel. Everyone would comment on how La Joy praised the Lord. I thought about how before when I went to the prayer breakfast my coworker invited me to in St. Louis the speaker told me I need to praise God stop being focusing on men. I started going to New Birth while in my sister’s house. I did not even know how to get there for sure. When I got to five points, I saw some other homeless people that were going to New Birth so I followed them. La Joy did not have any pampers. At church, I asked a woman in the bathroom whose child was the same size. I felt embarrassed, but did not have any pampers or any money. At New Birth Rodger’s Minster in training man gave me some money. I went to Mc Donald’s and to buy some pampers from Kmart after church.

I had never wanted to be an anchorperson. I when attempted to anchor SCTV our college news program I got so nervous. They said I sounded like I was rapping. The news producer/camera man told me they would provide me with training. My training consisted of live promo before my first newscast. At KPOC, I was the news director, anchorwoman reporter, and video editor. One night I was more nervous then usual. I mispronounced everything and said the call letters backwards I was suspend from on air.

I was at the jail to interview the sheriff and a reporter from the local newspaper was there. I had plagiarized his copy the night before on air. I was sure he was going to confront me. He complemented me on the story.

I went to the federal building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma one year after the bombing. I was wearing my press badge. The people were emotional and mean to the press. I took my friends middle school daughter with me. Her daughter looked up to me and I thought I could make a positive influence possibly. My favorite story that I covered was “The drug store “a scare kids away from drugs project. They take the kids on the journey drugs take you on from the party, to the hospital, to court and finally to the casket. When you look inside the casket there was a mirror. I wonder would have not been an alcoholic if I had that in high school.

The commute was hard on me. I was not spending any time with La Freda. My mom suggested I rent a room, until I could find an apartment I liked in Ponca City. She came to Ponca City to help me find some place. She took La Freda to St. Louis until I was settled. The landlord was a nice lady she had multiple scirors. One day I was having a horrible day. I ran over something knocked the water out for the boarding house. I was saying the short version of the serenity pray “fuck it”. I did not want to turn my life and my will over to the care of God. I wanted God to get me on the right course and then I wanted to take control.

I went to Narcotics and Alcohol Anonymous meetings in Ponca City because they were smaller than the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I had gotten use to small meetings in Winfield. More men from the halfway house started coming. In the meeting, someone blabbed I was a news-person. I told them I knew what anonymity was I hoped they did too.

I was talking to a white guy I met at the meetings Greg. At first, I thought Greg did not like me. One night the group was going out after the meeting but I had to go back and do the news. He invited me for coffee after the broadcast. One day we where at a pizzeria I wonder why people where looking at me was it because I was with a white guy or because I was on the news. The relationship did not go anywhere. I could not imagine being intimate with a white guy.

I was scared about being away from my support system. I asked a 17-year-old girl I met at the Narcotics Anonymous to baby sit. That was a mistake. She wrecked my car. I let her drive my car and I used the company car. In April I quit because I was feeling overwhelmed. I was working from about 9 am till 10:30pm at night. The other person that made up the news team had quit. I learned a lot but I did not feel comfortable.

My family spent graduation weekend helping me load the U-Haul truck. I had always prophecy that on graduation day the moving truck would be packed. My friend had mailed my cap and gown to me. It had gotten lost in the mail. I could not participate in commencement with out it. I went the bookstore and rented another cap and gown. Then I called my friend to make sure she would attend graduation. She gave me Tupac’s Mackeville cd as a graduation gift. She told me she had the cap and gown. I went to her house to pick it up. I did not like the length of the original gown I order. I went back to the bookstore and exchanged it.

Posted in Uncategorized Tagged: Oklahoma, recovery, relationships ]]> http://syinly.wordpress.com/2009/04/06/being-in-ok/feed/ 1 TimaIsis http://syinly.wordpress.com/2009/04/04/out-of-egypt-pt-2-homeless-in-hotlanta/ http://syinly.wordpress.com/2009/04/04/out-of-egypt-pt-2-homeless-in-hotlanta/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 22:43:39 +0000 syinly http://syinly.wordpress.com/?p=1206 ]]> I went to Traveler’s Aid they gave me a bus pass and agreed to pay my first month’s rent 140.00. I had only asked them to pay the first week’s rent. While La Joy and I were there this hungry homeless white man gave La Joy, some crackers and his ensure. We could not really keep milk. I was glad she off formula. La Freda got ringworm. I felt so guilty we had never had anything like that before. I took her to the clinic. I sold my bus pass at the men’s shelter a few blocks away to get some medicine for ringworm. I did not want to ask the shelter for help getting the medicine because they would post a notice saying somebody had ringworm and I did not to deal with that.

Centennial Park became our second home. I would sit and watch the people. Dreaming about coming here with the girls after we were settled. We would watch the water show. Don a single father with two boys helped us before I was approved for welfare. He would buy us stuff to eat. He taught me how to get around downtown Atlanta. He allowed me to use his bus pass since I had sold mine. We went to the free concerts in the park. We saw La Tosha Scott of Escape.

After a couple of weeks my parents came, they found me at the library I had just sat down to email my friends from St. Louis. We left and went to La Frieda’s school. They took us out to dinner at Chili’s in Alpharetta and showed me where my uncle lived. I was so shocked I could not finish my food. I was never full when I finished eating meals at the shelter they were not filling. I was always hungry. My oldest daughter decided to go back to St. Louis with them. That was the hardest weekend. I thought about giving my youngest daughter to her Dad. That Monday I was so glad I changed my mind, when La Joy held me so tight. I thought I was stupid to let one child go but not the other.

The amount of day care assistance the state of Georgia gave me was not enough to put La Joy in a day care center. One center said they would work with me but they would not put it in writing. My day care caseworker refused to approve my day care assistance. She told me people here in Atlanta people will run game on you. She gave me a dollar to call her back once I found a day care center. I used it to get La Joy a snack for the day. I did find a way to call her. I finally got day care for La Joy after being in Atlanta 3 weeks. I thought about what my Grandma  had said when I was in Ponca City and had a day care issue. She asked did I pray about it so I prayed. At the Atalnta day shetler, I used the phone to call a  list of at home day care providers in the booklet I was given at the social services office. I met Mrs. C.  Mrs. C answered the phone the others I got answering machines. Day care was important for La Joy it meant she would eat and be safe all day long.

La Joy would beg strangers for candy and snacks. I was so embarrassed but I did not stop her because she was probably hungry. The morning bus driver would flirt with me and gave La Joy candy. I could relax at Mrs. C house. She let me store food there. I started job hunting. I applied at fast food places and hotels. I got an interview at Marriott Marquee for a banquet position. I got a call back for a second interview but they had filled the position before I could call them to schedule a time. Mrs. C’s husband tired to get me a job at the hotel he worked at. I got an interview there and I went to the Day Shelter to get some clothes. They gave me a navy blue pants suit. I had never interviewed before in pants suit. I did not have any make up. After a couple of months I got tired of looking for a job, so I hung out at the library reading magazines, books, emailing friends and applying for jobs online. Some days I would feel sad because I missed working in the library.

I hated the days the day care was closed. We would have to ride the train all day. I felt I did not want to expose La Joy to the day shelter more than I had. If I did not have any money or Food stamps, we would go.

Things got a little better after received my final check for my library job in St. Louis. I was the shelter baller then. Having money was frustrating because I still did not have what I wanted place to stay. I brought a cell phone. Louie came and got us. We drove around to all the studios in Atlanta. After that we went to the hotel. When he was in St. Louis, we had found the address for the studio on the Internet. La Joy would not go to sleep. Louie and I were getting intimate. I had been celibate for a year. Someone knocked on the door and broke the hold mood.

Don and I looked at an apartment we thought about moving in together. I wasted my money on the application fee. Don decided he did not like the property owner after we left the office. Don wanted to date me but I was stuck on My Chocolate boo, Louie. Don was put out of the shelter for not being able to pay his rent, I was so sad. I wished I could have helped. The previous week a woman from Florida paid Don’s rent.

At the Salvation Army, different churches came to pick up the homeless I decided to go one Sunday. I went to Word of Deliverance church. When I got to the church I could have fell out they had banner that said out the Egypt the same thing I thought when I was in the car on the way to Atlanta. One weekend I decided to follow Mrs. C to her church Newbirth. I thought it looked like an arena it was so huge. I was amazed to see all my black people praising and worshiping God together. It was an awesome experience. I continued to go to Word of Deliverance until I left the Salvation Army shelter. The church members encouraged the visitors to participate in the service not just sit on the pew. They encouraged you to sing along and dance. Before then I spent services asking God about should I marry the man in my life.

At first, I thought I would go to Memphis then I decided if the car makes it to Memphis to travel farther south to Atlanta. I bought a map on the way. I did not tell my daughters what I was thinking. We went to Pizza Hut in Illinois I was trying to take a short cut. I finally decide to use the road atlas I bought. When we got to Memphis, I had to stop for gas.

I liked Beale Street I thought I might want to come back it seem like ht nightlife in Memphis was good. The car started running hot when I got off the highway. As soon as I got back on it cooled off. I drove all night. I thought about sleeping at the rest stops a couple of times. I went the long route Memphis to Nashville and then to Huntsville almost to Birmingham and finally to Atlanta.

On the way through Alabama, I was thinking about the children of Israel in the wilderness. When I turned on the radio, they were talking about the story of Moses. I stopped at gas station. They had a pray request list, I asked could I put my name down. I wrote my name and homeless.

As I drove down interstate 20 and got closer to Atlanta, I told my daughter La Freda I’m not sure we are ready for Atlanta. She said, “better be”. We stopped at the Mc Donald’s near the Hamilton E Holmes Station. The girl gave me back my money by mistake. At first, I wanted to say something but I thought it was a God thing.

We went to find a public library with internet access so I could email to Louie. I also wanted to get the white pages an attempt to call all the Waltons and hope to contact Louie. The library was closed. I decided to try,and find a shelter. I thought church people would be able to direct me to a shelter. I stopped at an AME church and asked some people where the homeless shelter was. One lady told me go to Atlanta Union Mission. She asked why I was homeless I told her it was my fault. I had made some mistakes. Her reaction me made me not want to go to church.

I kept passing the Salvation Army while looking for the shelter. I decided it looked like a shelter. I told the kids I think that Salvation Army is a shelter. I went and asked a man was it a shelter. He told me it was. I explained to him my family was from Missouri and homeless. I asked him could we stay there. He told me he had to see. I prayed while I waited for him to come back. They accepted us on emergency basis a bed for seven days. Monday morning I set out to find the welfare office. I had to keep asking everybody including the police that acted as if they did not know what I was talking about. The next day Ms. Brown told me there was waiting list to get in the shelter and that we had been accepted in the family program and could stay for up to 1 year. We would have to leave every day from 7:00am to 3:30pm.

I drove to the one library I knew. I emailed my coworker and asked to them advised my former library employer I would no longer be coming to work that I had moved to Atlanta. I meet with Ms. Brown she told me about the Atlanta Day shelter that they had computers for internet use. When I arrived at the day shelter, I felt I had hit rock bottom. The women looked hopeless and it was so unorganized. I could not stay long it was too depressing.

I began to think about the conversation in the classroom in Kansas. I began to realize homeless people are to busy struggling to survive. At the shelter in St. Louis, the women did not look homeless or hopeless. La Freda started school our third day in Atlanta. In the office at school the staff was talking about, we were homeless. I began to feel the negative label coming on. I asked the family specialist at the shelter for school supplies. She told me they were waiting to receive them. I felt so horrible not being able to get my daughter’s school supplies. I got a voucher for the thrift store and got a stroller for La Joy and uniform pieces for my La Freda.

When we returned to the shelter there was a new family. A light skinned lady, named Pat with her son. I spoke to her. When I had come in a few days before nobody really talked to me. I wanted her to feel more welcomed than I had. I told Pat about Louie. She told me when she was younger she followed some man to Oklahoma they got together after she finally got on her feet. He had hurt her she really loved him.

We walked to CNN center to get some Mc Donald’s she brought my children and me happy meals. This youth church conference was there. This young man sat at the table, while Pat was in line getting the food. When she came back to the table she scared the guy away. He left his wallet. It had a twenty-dollar bill in it. We thought about keeping it and ran out of CNN center before he could come back. Pat said we probably should not and walked back in. I guess she really gave the person his wallet back. She said he looked shocked.

A day or so later she asked me for a ride across town to another shelter and offered me twenty dollars for gas. Being that I had not been in Atlanta for a week. I had no idea where Cobb County was. I did not realize I was taking her to the police station either. I didn\’t have any insurance or license plates on the car. We got directions from a man walking down the street. We went to Cobb County she needed to go the police station to be admitted to a domestic violence shelter. At the police station, I let the kids; her son and my oldest daughter get in the front seat. I drove around the corner to have the police get Pat’s stuff out the car. I was not thinking. The police stopped me. He told me something was wrong with my car. He told me about having the kids in the front set and not having the baby properly in her car seat. He said he would let me go. I did not have any license plates or insurance on the car.

I knew it was running hot. I wanted to stop and let the car cool down, but I was sacred of being stopped by the police. I did stop at the gas station and add some coolant. The engine blew on the highway a few miles from the shelter, this was my fifth day in Atlanta. I wanted to cry. I told God I do not have any thing and you are taking my car. God sent this woman name Peggy, I suspect she was drug addict because of the track marks. She tired to help me get my car started. When we realized we were not going to be able to get the car started. She told me to get everything out of the car and put it in her Jeep. She took us back to her apartment. She said she did not like to drive in downtown Atlanta but would have her boyfriend take us. She feed the girls some watermelon. At first, her boyfriend did not like us but La Freda talked to him in Spanish and then he seemed impressed. She told him to buy us dinner at Wendy’s and if we could not get back in the shelter to bring us back. He followed her instructions. I told him just get the kids something to eat he insisted I get something to eat too.

Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down.

For La Freda’s birthday, Moses and I did not have any money to do anything. My parents took her to family fun center. to celebrate her birthday. After her birthday, Moses gave me some money to pay the light bill when I dropped him off at work. I told him it was not a good time, because I had planned to go clothes shopping for La Freda with some money she received for her birthday. I spent La Freda birthday money and the bill buying her some clothes A couple of weeks later Ameren UE turned off the electricity. Then the car broke down. We went to stay over Moses parents’ house for two weeks. We managed to get back and forth to work. When we got the electric bill paid and got the car repaired, I thought wow we came through rough times together. Then Moses got sick was not going to work. My family kept telling me he had lost his job. I did not want to believe them, because he had just got a promotion.

The night I decided to cheat on Moses , I got frustrated with him. Jim told me to go back home and not tell my husband. I went home and I made excuses at first for being late. Moses had cooked dinner and brought X Men movie. I felt horrible for a minute then, I told him to get out because our marriage was over.

I went to an extended stay hotel with my grandma Helen. I was glad to go because things were tense at home. I cried most of the time because I realized my marriage was really over. This was not for better or better, I had wanted. I did not want to try and repair it. I was so frustrated with my husband. He wanted to work things out. I was sad because my relationship with my in-laws would change. They had been wonderful to me.

Moses left for a couple of days. I did not want him to come back home. He popped up one day with the pastor. I was angry because I could not clown. I lagreed to let him come back home, because I did not want to appear evil to the pastor. We live to together for a month as things continue to deteriorate. I left Moses ,when I moved out into the apartment we were supposed to move into together.

Jim and I continued to see each other. One evening, Jim told me he was diagnosed with cancer. We had a sexual only relationship before and it did not really seem like Jim was interested in more than that now either. I told Jim I wanted him to allow me to be his friend because.he was not going to be as interested in sex going through chemotherapy.