July 19, 2003, was the day my dad said my family would have to move to St. Charles County with him or got to a shelter. I did not want to move to St. Charles County. My dad started crying after we finished packing up the kids and my stuff. I did not realize he was crying at first. As I prepared leave for Larry Rice’s shelter, He asked, me did I have any money?” I told him no. He gave me a hundred dollar bill. Then I headed to Larry Rice’s shelter, as I sat in the car in front of the shelter, I decide to leave St. Louis. I dropped off my library books and badge.
At first, I thought I would go to Memphis then I decided if the car makes it to Memphis to travel farther south to Atlanta. I bought a map on the way. I did not tell my daughters what I was thinking. We went to Pizza Hut in Illinois I was trying to take a short cut. I finally decide to use the road atlas I bought. When we got to Memphis, I had to stop for gas. I liked Beale Street I thought I might want to come back it seem like ht nightlife in Memphis was good. The car started running hot when I got off the highway. As soon as I got back on it cooled off. I drove all night. I thought about sleeping at the rest stops a couple of times. I went the long route Memphis to Nashville and then to Huntsville almost to Birmingham and finally to Atlanta.
On the way through Alabama, I was thinking about the children of Israel in the wilderness. When I turned on the radio, they were talking about the story of Moses. I stopped at gas station. They had a pray request list, I asked could I put my name down. I wrote my name and homeless.
As I drove down interstate 20 and got closer to Atlanta, I told my daughter La Freda I’m not sure we are ready for Atlanta. She said, “better be”. We stopped at the Mc Donald’s near the Hamilton E Holmes Station. The girl gave me back my money by mistake. At first, I wanted to say something but I thought it was a God thing.
We went to find a public library with internet access so I could email to Louie. I also wanted to get the white pages an attempt to call all the Waltons and hope to contact Louie. The library was closed. I decided to try,and find a shelter. I thought church people would be able to direct me to a shelter. I stopped at an AME church and asked some people where the homeless shelter was. One lady told me go to Atlanta Union Mission. She asked why I was homeless I told her it was my fault. I had made some mistakes. Her reaction me made me not want to go to church.
I kept passing the Salvation Army while looking for the shelter. I decided it looked like a shelter. I told the kids I think that Salvation Army is a shelter. I went and asked a man was it a shelter. He told me it was. I explained to him my family was from Missouri and homeless. I asked him could we stay there. He told me he had to see. I prayed while I waited for him to come back. They accepted us on emergency basis a bed for seven days. Monday morning I set out to find the welfare office. I had to keep asking everybody including the police that acted as if they did not know what I was talking about. The next day Ms. Brown told me there was waiting list to get in the shelter and that we had been accepted in the family program and could stay for up to 1 year. We would have to leave every day from 7:00am to 3:30pm.
I drove to the one library I knew. I emailed my coworker and asked to them advised my former library employer I would no longer be coming to work that I had moved to Atlanta. I meet with Ms. Brown she told me about the Atlanta Day shelter that they had computers for internet use. When I arrived at the day shelter, I felt I had hit rock bottom. The women looked hopeless and it was so unorganized. I could not stay long it was too depressing.
I began to think about the conversation in the classroom in Kansas. I began to realize homeless people are to busy struggling to survive. At the shelter in St. Louis, the women did not look homeless or hopeless. La Freda started school our third day in Atlanta. In the office at school the staff was talking about, we were homeless. I began to feel the negative label coming on. I asked the family specialist at the shelter for school supplies. She told me they were waiting to receive them. I felt so horrible not being able to get my daughter’s school supplies. I got a voucher for the thrift store and got a stroller for La Joy and uniform pieces for my La Freda.
When we returned to the shelter there was a new family. A light skinned lady, named Pat with her son. I spoke to her. When I had come in a few days before nobody really talked to me. I wanted her to feel more welcomed than I had. I told Pat about Louie. She told me when she was younger she followed some man to Oklahoma they got together after she finally got on her feet. He had hurt her she really loved him.
We walked to CNN center to get some Mc Donald’s she brought my children and me happy meals. This youth church conference was there. This young man sat at the table, while Pat was in line getting the food. When she came back to the table she scared the guy away. He left his wallet. It had a twenty-dollar bill in it. We thought about keeping it and ran out of CNN center before he could come back. Pat said we probably should not and walked back in. I guess she really gave the person his wallet back. She said he looked shocked.
A day or so later she asked me for a ride across town to another shelter and offered me twenty dollars for gas. Being that I had not been in Atlanta for a week. I had no idea where Cobb County was. I did not realize I was taking her to the police station either. I didn\’t have any insurance or license plates on the car. We got directions from a man walking down the street. We went to Cobb County she needed to go the police station to be admitted to a domestic violence shelter. At the police station, I let the kids; her son and my oldest daughter get in the front seat. I drove around the corner to have the police get Pat’s stuff out the car. I was not thinking. The police stopped me. He told me something was wrong with my car. He told me about having the kids in the front set and not having the baby properly in her car seat. He said he would let me go. I did not have any license plates or insurance on the car.
I knew it was running hot. I wanted to stop and let the car cool down, but I was sacred of being stopped by the police. I did stop at the gas station and add some coolant. The engine blew on the highway a few miles from the shelter, this was my fifth day in Atlanta. I wanted to cry. I told God I do not have any thing and you are taking my car. God sent this woman name Peggy, I suspect she was drug addict because of the track marks. She tired to help me get my car started. When we realized we were not going to be able to get the car started. She told me to get everything out of the car and put it in her Jeep. She took us back to her apartment. She said she did not like to drive in downtown Atlanta but would have her boyfriend take us. She feed the girls some watermelon. At first, her boyfriend did not like us but La Freda talked to him in Spanish and then he seemed impressed. She told him to buy us dinner at Wendy’s and if we could not get back in the shelter to bring us back. He followed her instructions. I told him just get the kids something to eat he insisted I get something to eat too.
I had read my bible I knew the story of David and Bathsheba. I knew adultery was wrong.
Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down.
For La Freda’s birthday, Moses and I did not have any money to do anything. My parents took her to family fun center. to celebrate her birthday. After her birthday, Moses gave me some money to pay the light bill when I dropped him off at work. I told him it was not a good time, because I had planned to go clothes shopping for La Freda with some money she received for her birthday. I spent La Freda birthday money and the bill buying her some clothes A couple of weeks later Ameren UE turned off the electricity. Then the car broke down. We went to stay over Moses parents’ house for two weeks. We managed to get back and forth to work. When we got the electric bill paid and got the car repaired, I thought wow we came through rough times together. Then Moses got sick was not going to work. My family kept telling me he had lost his job. I did not want to believe them, because he had just got a promotion.
The night I decided to cheat on Moses , I got frustrated with him. Jim told me to go back home and not tell my husband. I went home and I made excuses at first for being late. Moses had cooked dinner and brought X Men movie. I felt horrible for a minute then, I told him to get out because our marriage was over.
I went to an extended stay hotel with my grandma Helen. I was glad to go because things were tense at home. I cried most of the time because I realized my marriage was really over. This was not for better or better, I had wanted. I did not want to try and repair it. I was so frustrated with my husband. He wanted to work things out. I was sad because my relationship with my in-laws would change. They had been wonderful to me.
Moses left for a couple of days. I did not want him to come back home. He popped up one day with the pastor. I was angry because I could not clown. I lagreed to let him come back home, because I did not want to appear evil to the pastor. We live to together for a month as things continue to deteriorate. I left Moses ,when I moved out into the apartment we were supposed to move into together.
Jim and I continued to see each other. One evening, Jim told me he was diagnosed with cancer. We had a sexual only relationship before and it did not really seem like Jim was interested in more than that now either. I told Jim I wanted him to allow me to be his friend because.he was not going to be as interested in sex going through chemotherapy.
After I graduating from God. I didn’t ask God for direction. I was a lot like Lot when he left Abhram. Lot did not consult God before he headed off in his direction. He later found his self in a horrible place and was blessed to be able to escape. He was not able to take much with him. As result of not seeking first the kingdom of God I have found myself in some horrible places. I was blessed to be able to escape from harm’s way.
When I got back to St. Louis Moses had went Missing in Action. I found out through child support enforcement that Moses was living at archway a local treatment center. I would drive around the treatment center hoping to see him. They also told me he was working at Aaron. I went to Aaron enter pretending go be interested in furniture or getting a job.
I stayed with my mother and stepfather. I got a temporary job at Contico working in their warehouse. That was hard work. I was looking for something full time and permanent in communications. In December, my uncle went out of town my grandmother lived with him and she was going to need to stay with my mother for an extended visit. La Freda and I went to stay with my Dad and step mom.
My dad and step mom were really into church they had joined Trinity Mt Carmel. I started attending church, again because I was feeling a spiritual void. I started attending new members classes and I got saved. I realized the AA meetings that encouraged my spirituality were no longer enough. I needed to understand God more.I was attending my home group that met at the hospital I went through treatment at. I had become group service representative and chairperson. God as I understood him was not working for me.
My relationship with my stepmother continued to be difficult. I would try and stay gone all day and come in late at night to avoid being around her. I was so stressed out in the mornings, I struggled to get out of bed my body was locked up with tension. I had several car accidents, because I would just drive around. all day .Since she wanted me to leave, I kept trying to get her to take the keys since she wanted me out so badly.
When she would not accept my keys, I threw them at her. She threw the keys back at me. I hit her. My Dad broke us up. I continue dto try and fight her. La Freda ran over trying to help me. I was surprised. I thought she had not bonded with me. I left that night , with out La Freda my Dad would not let me take La Freda. I went over my boyfriend’s house.
I went to a shelter downtown in St. Louis at the suggestion of my god sister. Also, I thought I could jump ahead of people on the section 8 List. I thought being around these people would make me have more of the real black experience. I had never really hung out in the hood. I had more education, than most of the residents and some of the staff. I went on Friday, I felt uncomfortable. It was like in movie “sleeper’s” the children would cry their mothers would physically abuse them.
The bathroom there was horrible. There were used sanitary napkins not wrapped up. It smelled like urine. I got assigned the chore of cleaning it. The shelter staff gave me some cleaning supplies but I did not feel it was enough to do a good job. I went to the store and bought more cleaning supplies. Even though I cleaned, it I still did not feel comfortable using the bathroom. The women used the comet; I bought to clean the bathroom to wash their clothes. I felt sorry for them and bought some laundry detergent for the dormitory. I told them anybody that needed some could use it. It was gone in day. I rarely eat at the shelter.
I left early every morning and went to my grandma Rosie house to eat and bath. That would become my routine. I brought my alarm clock but a woman, Ms. Ann who had mental illness took it. She put it with her things while I was at work. The other residents took me she had it .When I explained to her I needed it back so I could get up to get ready for work. She told me I did not work that I had been on the corner.
There was another woman who was a “little touched” Ms. Mary she would quote scripture. She seem to quote what I needed to hear at the time. She was from Louisiana. I would usually eat dinner at my mom’s she lived in North county were I was working another temp job.
After I was there a couple of days a pregnant girl came in with her son, she looked a lot like me on her first night uncomfortable her name was Hope we became friends. Hope’s family lived on the same street as my new boyfriend.
Hope asked me what I would do to get out of her situation. I told her I would go to school. I told her about how I struggled to finish college as a single parent. After we left the shelter, I helped Hope enroll on St. Louis Community College at Forest Park. I took her to get her high school transcript. We went to some agency that assisted her with filling out her financial aid forms. I told her to apply for work-study. I advised her against loans.
Ophelia’s (Snookie’s wife) niece that had five kids was there too. For Resurrection Sunday, a predominately-white church came and served breakfast they gave the children stuff animal bunnies.
One day La Frieda and I went to apples bees I thought I just wanted to feel normal again. I had a car, which made things easer it served as transportation and storage space. I was amazed that the young women there would fix their selves up. I thought if I saw them on the streets, I would not think they were homeless. While I was there, I heard this woman say this was her second time. I thought this is my first and last to myself. I thought how they could allow themselves become homeless again.
One night this young girl with two kids got into with another girl there. One of girls pulled a knife on the other girl during the fight. They got into fight over a shirt. The police were called and the girls were put out that night with their children.
After I started to settle in a single mom with two teenage sons came, we slept in a dormitory. They were sleeping at the foot of my bed. A couple of days later I moved to the next level. The rooms did not have any doors so there was still no privacy. I got a room by the stairs. The room had more privacy because it was away from the main hall. It was next to a homeless single dad. All the women would sneak around the corner trying to talk with him. I thought my goodness this man does have any thing and they still want him.
For my birthday, I decided to leave early and go watch the sunrise at Washington University. I had always wanted to do it since I heard Julie talking about how beautiful it was. I thought I had to have man with me to enjoy it. I went there and I prayed. I enjoyed myself despite the fact I was homeless and that I was not dressed nice. I spent the day driving around and finally went over my boy friends house.
I left the shelter because my chore they assigned me required I come back at dinnertime which was hours before curfew. Plus they moved me into hallway with all the other women. There was less privacy. I did not want to socialize with those women. After my temporary day job ended, I found a part time job at university of Missouri at St. Louis.
`I moved in with my boyfriend even though I already paid the security deposit for transitional housing. I did not move into because of some confusion and stayed with my boyfriend for a few months. I got sick of him. I went to the transitional housing office and said look you got my security deposit, I need some keys. I found a full time job at a local hotel and conference center doing audiovisual. I started working full time but, I continued to stay with my boyfriend and pay rent at my own apartment. I was not paying the utility bills. I always had the intention to but I was constantly overspending. I also thought I would go beg different agency to cover the bills, But then I did not want to be bothered. My first year in shelter care plus I received shut off notices in every color from Ameren UE.
One day my shelter care plus caseworker came. I told her I was stressed out trying to pay my daughter’s day care fees. She reduced my rent. When it was ti me for my next home visit my caseworker got a promotion and the program assigned me a new caseworker told me I did not deserve any apartment because it was so messy. Things were good at work my boss become my friend. She signed me up for supervisor training. I was invited to one of employee relations committee meetings after the meeting someone congratulated me on being voted in as a new member. I did not even ask to join.
My car broke down after a few months. My dad cosigned for car and I realized I could not afford it unless I got another job. My insurance rates were way too high because of all the accidents I had in the past. I took off one morning and went to apply for a multimedia technician posting at a Historical black college. When I turned the application in, I told the human resource assistant, “I ‘ll see you next time when I come for the interview.” I could not believe I was being so bold. The interview was a panel interview it went great. I was surprised, because usually I am so anxious at interviews. I was laughing and smiling.
So I went to work for a historical black college. I thought this should be the answer but I still was not making enough money to live how I wanted. After the first month, I threaten to quit. My boss refused to accept my resignation letter. I enjoyed working with the students but I was not getting along with my co-worker. I did not feel he was doing his fair share of the workload. After a year I resigned, I had attempted to quit about three times during the year .
Today I went to my lent bible study again. The theme tonight was “preparing for a miracle”. We learned that before a miracle occurs there must be a need. We also learned that God can only multiply what you offer him. Our scriptural text was from John 1-13. It’s the story about where Jesus takes the little boys lunch and feeds thousands.
We talked about how God uses people to perform miracles. When Jesus feed the thousands. He used the little boy to provide the food. He used the disciplines to serve the food to the people.
We discussed how you need to be obedient for God to perform a miracle. I thought about the story of Joshua(I also read a blog about it earlier today). The Israelites were obedient before the walls of Jericho fell. They did what God said. Also they should there faith.
Noah was obedient because he build the ark. The miracle he received as a result was that his family was saved. Abraham showed obedience when he was willing to sacrifice Issac and his reward was the miracle of ram being caught in the thicket.
David had faith that God would provide a way for him to defeat Golith in battle. It was not a consequence that with one stone David killed Golith but a miracle.
I am struggling with obedience to God’s will, but I realize the pattern for a miracle in the bible is still the same pattern for a miracle today. I thought about when I lived in Atlanta and I went to church one night. I didn’t have any gas money and I was wondering how I was going to make it. The usher told me to set in the front. Usually when they direct me I just ignore them and set where I want to set. But something ( the holy spirit) told me to listen that day. I received a financial blessing at church that day and was able to fill up my tank.
Now I have proof that when I am obedience God will work a miracle for me.
I use to love the theme song from the television show Married with Children. I could relate to the show because of the dysfunctional family. Like the Bundy’s I got married right out of high school. Once I got married my abusive behavior emerged. Like Michal I didn’t believe in my husband. When David openly praised the Lord she didn’t agree and thought he a fool. I didn’t realize how to be discreet like Abigail if I disagreed with him. My lack of discretion, knowledge and counsel hurt my husband.
My marriage toppled because it did not have a foundation. I was separated twice because I had strong desires to run away. Although I wanted to be with a man, I could not make an enduring commitment. Making a commitment is foundational. I loved my husband but I was not in love with him. There is a difference. I wanted him to improve the quality of my life and make me happy. Our relationship lacked the foundation of love. I did not love myself or know how to love anyone else.
Excerpt from The Big Block Goes on Top. Authors note names have been changed to protect the privacy of others.
I was dating Mike that I met a recovery dance. He was from East St. Louis. He was light with a jehri curl. I tired to talk him getting an apartment so we could live together I was sick of living with my mom. I did not believe I had enough money to get a place on own. Mrs. P my AA sponsor told me she did not think it would be a good idea to move in with a man. I should get married instead of just shacking up. Later, I found out Mike was living with another woman who was a crack addict, I didn’t find out until after I had went an spent money buying things for the apartment an paying the security deposit. I took the stuff back to venture and got my security deposit back.
At the church annual fashion show, I saw Moses. He was looking good on the runway in chocolate brown leather suit. The commenter had him blushing. After the fashion show, I could not believe Moses wanted to talk to me. I had been flirting with cute guys all day. I was on a high. Moses and I exchanged numbers.
On our first date, we walked around Forest park. It seemed like it took forever for Moses to kiss me. Moses and I would stay up talking all night on the phone. We spent most of our dates either hanging out in the Central West End or down town St. Louis. We would have lunch every Saturday at St. Louis Centre.
Before our dates, I would go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and the Library. Most of the time at the Library I would see homeless men. One homeless man was profiled in the River front Times. He would sit outside the library and draw.
After seeing Moses one Friday, night I was too cheap to catch a cab I accepted a ride for a stranger. He threatened to kill me. He took 20 dollars from my purse. I jumped out the truck. It was the first time I realized I was not immortal.
We dated for three months. Moses started telling he would marry me. I was in love with idea of being married. I loved him and I wanted to get out of my mom’s house. Moses wanted to get married on Valentine’s Day. I thought too many people would be at the courthouse that day. I decided February 7 would be better.
We were both so nervous when we went to get the marriage license. We agreed to meet downtown. I was walking and I saw Moses on the bus going the other direction. I told him I was nervous. The day we got married, I went to school as usual. My cousin Lala took me to the courthouse to get married. Moses and I met on the steps at the courthouse.
Lala was talking I was scared we would get thrown out of the courtroom. Moses best friend was the best man and he took pictures. The Honorable Daniel T Tillman officiated the ceremony. The judge asked me I if was sure I wanted to get married. I told him yes.
After we got married, we went to Mc Donald’s and then to red roof Inn to consummate our marriage. I did not even get to spend the night. I went back the hotel the next day after I got off work at Straubs. I worked in the deli department so I baked a Ham and took it with me.
My Dad called me to wish me a happy valentines day. During the conversation, he told me, my mom and he were going to court over child support. I blurted out to him I was married. We were supposed to keep it a secret. Moses and I spent Valentines Day hanging out like usual. I got mad at him and ripped up the card I got him for Valentines Day. He had a panic attack. This was the most serve one he had since we had met.
He told my mom and she told me I needed to live with my husband. My Dad took Moses and me to pizza hut so he could meet his son-in-law. The waitress wanted to play in Moses hair. He told her you have to ask my wife.
At choir rehearsal, one of the members asked me if I was playing on his phone. I said no. I had called his house to remind him of choir rehearsal. I was the youth choir secretary. He kept insisting if I were playing on the phone, he would find out. I told him I had fine light-skinned husband what would I want with his dark self. Then he made some comment about how I was disrespectful to my mom and he was not like that. I cussed him out and then his mom I had some comment. I told her I would whop her fat ass too. The choir director told me to calm down. I cussed him out too. My mom had to drag me out the church. I told Moses what happen. He was more upset that, I confessed I was married, than about me cussing out folks in church.
Moses and I was apartment searching for a month. My Grandma Helen suggested we try and rent a room. Moses and I found studio apartment in March. He cooked spaghetti the first night. He told me I was going to have to learn how to cook. He did not want to move in at first he wanted to continue to stay with his aunt. After the first week, he decided to start moving his things in. It was adjustment for me living with him. I had never really had to share the bathroom and living space. I taught myself how to cook.
For my 20th birthday, Moses gave me the wedding ring he had made for me. I was youth day chairperson at our church. I thought it was interesting the youth day chairperson was a married woman. Moses wanted to return to college in Kansas. I did not want to go because I was going to get money from vocational rehabilitation in addition to other grants, if I went to college in Missouri. I tired flunking out of college to stop Moses. He insisted we go. I did not want to be the hoe that followed Moses to Kansas in his family’s eyes. I told him he needed to tell his family we were married. He said his family would be disappointed we got married at the courthouse with out them knowing.
One night we got into a heated argument about letting his family know we where married and he shoved me. I was shocked and hurt. I ran out of our apartment and ran down the street. I called my mother she and my stepfather came to get me. She told me I should leave because if I went back that would not be the last time I hit me. I decided to go back we started planning a big church wedding. I maxed out my visa card buying stuff for the wedding ceremony. I said I would take it all back.
We went for one pre marital session at our church. The pastor seemed to be leading toward telling us not to get married. He said we were like fire and Ice. I told Moses to tell him after that the pastor thought I was pregnant. We told him we were already married. That my family knew already but Moses family did not. I knew the marriage was a mistake, but since we were already really married. July 25th was “the show” as I called our wedding ceremony at the church.
My cousin Lala was the maid of honor. She took me to get my hair done before the wedding. It was suppose to be her gift to me. The beauty shop looked okay. I got perm a when she took me to wash the perm out; I knew things were not too good. It looked like an abandon building with a whole in roof where I could see birds. The stylist cut my hair before she put the perm on. I felt like my head was on fire. It hurt all evening; I had to pay for the hairstyle. Later I found out Lala took me because the lady owed her a redo for missing up a hair before.
We were an hour late to the wedding. The pastor had to catch a plane so I did not have time to put on my make up. I had stopped and got IMO’s pizza on the way to the church. The pastor came to the dressing room to get some pizza. I had to wear my mom’s lipstick, because I did not have time to put on my make up. I remember thinking when we recited the vows I need to do better. I did not feel I was trying to fulfill my vows. After the pastor pronounced us, man and wife Moses started walking out with out me. I grabbed the ring bearer and walked with him. The reception was boring most of our guests were senior citizens.
When I realized how many gifts and how much money we had received. I was so excited we went out to dinner at Calicos. After dinner in our studio apartment, Lala and the best man were attempting to consummate their passion. I guess they were confused about whose wedding night it was. I put on my teddy and called Moses in the bathroom thinking he would tell Lala and the best man to get out. He went back in and started watching television. I then realize my hair was falling out.
At church an older couple told us they saw and getting off the bus and I had ran off and left Moses. I did not realize it was a foreshadowing that I would constantly be trying to leave him.
I don’t really remember the anniversary date of Syinly’s weblog, I do know it was the beginning of April. I had found out about New Media Women Entrepreneurs from reading Hope Clark’s Funds for Writers. I knew it was something I wanted to do I had always thought I wanted to be an editor of a publication. I began to do research to complete the application and I learned about blogs. After reading Andy’s Wibble’s book. I became more interested. I started this blog as a test to learn more about blogging with a hands on approach. I began to share it with my friends. One of my friends encouraged me to write.
During my time of testing the waters. I realized my blogs about my personal relationship with God received more attention. I really desired to give me opinion on other thing than my stumbling through Christianity. I am grateful for the people who continue to read my blog and encourage. I aspire to improve despite my fear of success and dyslexia.
Now it is application time again at New Media Women and I am applying. When asked why she think she became a star as apposed to other hopeful’s her answer was ” I was dreaming hardest of them all “.
Authors note this excerpt is from The Big Block Goes on Top, names have been changed to protect privacy.
Early in adolescence, my lack of understanding in relationships in combined with my lack of sound judgment and discretion caused me to become depressed.
Fourth grade was when my life changed. At Wilkerson Foreign Language School, I chose to learn German because; my Dad had learned German in the Air Force and then took some German courses in college. I participated in my first and only class play: All Around the World”. The students who were in German class sang Mine Hut Hat Dri My Hat Has Three Corners. Since my dad was not around, I continued to do poor academically. I did not study. I would transpose my numbers and that caused me to do poorly in math. When my Dad was around, he would get on me about my grades.
I finally made a friend with Rica. She was a brown, skinny, girl with silky, long, black hair. She was from Mexico. Rica shared stories about life in Mexico and how her godmother adopted her. Rica went to church and she told me about the Rapture. What Rica had told me about God frightened me. I went to church with Rica one resurrection Sunday. . It was the first time I ever attended children’s church. I wanted Shirley Temple curls, so my mother tried to style it that way but I did not like the way my hair looked
When my mom was hospitalized, during the second half of fourth grade, I fell behind in my homework. At first, I did not want to tell my teacher, Mr. Reed, that my mom was sick, but after I got behind, I had to start writing sentences about not completing homework. I finally said something.
When my mom was released from the hospital, she helped me write my sentences: “I will complete my homework. She would be the parent that came on field trips. My classmates teased me and joked with me that Mr. Reed had a crush on my on mom. On my report card I had an F in Vocabulary and I thought I would be in trouble, but my mom didn’t say anything except that I should try and do better. Paul started helping me study for spelling test and my grades in Spelling improved.
In January, things changed. We had a new girl. Her name was Chelle. She was bi-racial her mother was white and her father was black. She was taller than all the other girls and boys in our class. She was heavier too. She wore two long ponytails. She looked a lot older than her age.
Chelle became my idol, when on a field trip I did something that made my mom mad and she pinched me. Chelle told her to leave me alone. I wanted her to be my friend because I thought I would not have to worry about anybody wanting to fight me. Chelle, like Rica told many stories. Chelle told stories about being from Louisiana. Chelle and this white girl named Barbara always played with me during recess. Chelle and Jerry liked each other. Jerry was the boy who always got in trouble. He had been the first person to see Chelle because he was in the Principal’s office. He referred to her as his girlfriend.
On Track and Field day, I had signed up for the obstacles course. I thought it would be easy at least the ones on TV seemed easy. I was horrible. I could not jump over the trashcans that were used for hurdles. I had slowest time. The kindergarten class laughed at me because I did so badly. On the last day of fourth grade, I was nervous. I thought I might fail. I was praying all day. When the school officials came they announced who would be going to 5th grade and told us to line up. I was so relived to hear my name called.
In 5th grade, at Wilkerson Foreign Language School, the classrooms were spilt. The kids who did worse academically had to stay in the fourth grade room and the students who were better went upstairs with the sixth grades. Rica went upstairs. That finally tore our friendship apart.
I got into my first real fight with a kid named Charles on art field trip. Chelle and I got into a fight she told Mr. Reed I bit her and kept talking about getting rabies. I started fighting with her to stop her from fighting someone else. I thought she would be suspended for fighting but I could say we were playing fighting.
I participated in track and field again. I had practiced for weeks before in the basement jumping over trashcans. This time I was too slow. They did not let me complete the obstacle course, but it was personal victory of me. At least, I cleared the trashcans this time.
My Mother asked me if I wanted to participate in the voluntary desegregation program. I said yes, because my dad said I might get to experience racism up close. I liked the sixties and felt I had missed the excitement of Civil Rights and revolutionary era. I grew up in post Civil Rights America. While my mom was in college, she did a report on Dr. Martin Luther King. She tried to tell me who he was.
In 1977 I remember watching the mini series” Roots” on television. I could not stand to watch the whole thing. I could not stand to see the slaves being whipped. I went to integrated schools most of my life. I did not experience prejudice and racism really.
I had only experience overt prejudice once. Some white people getting off the elevator at Famous Bar called me a nigger. I thought I had missed out of the excitement 60’s.
I thought a woman could be anything she wants. I cannot say I got that message from home but I can say from the media.
I participated in the voluntarily desegregation program, where black inner-city children were bussed to predominately white suburban school districts. Black and white students might have been in the same school at Holman Middle School but the student population was not integrated. At lunch, all the blacks sat together. A few tables were integrated. Being in sixth grade was academically challenging. It was an awkward period in my life. I became withdrawn. My grades were bad I was scared I would fail sixth grade. I did not blend in with the black kids. I tried to make friends but they said I was too sad and depressing.
During sixth grade, I started listening to rock music on local radio station because Lee a white person in one of my classes challenged me to it. I challenged him to listen to rhythm and blues. He told me he used to listen to Majic 108 a local R&B station.
We went on a field trip to the St. Louis Zoo. The white girls were saying black people lived in houses with no windows. We passed by my house on the way. I told them to look and see the windows. I told them I lived in a house with 48 windows. Paul had just bought new insulated windows and had them installed.
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. Exodus 20:12
By this time, my cracked foundation began to show. My grandma Helen would always tell me honor your mother and father are your days because if you do not your days will be shorter. She would also tell me I hope you have kids just like you I guess she thought I was too mischievous. My relationship with my mother was not good at the time and my classmates got sick of hearing me talking about it.
My Mom and Dad were going to court over child support. My mother would get upset with me when I did not want to call my dad or his mom and curse them out. I did not go outside much to play so I was not good in gym class. I was always the lasted one picked. I was shy and reserved.
My mom would press my hair but it did not last long. I got a Jehri curl. One day I thought since I did not have much self-esteem. I would stop taking a bath. The school slut Uralsa asked me, “Could you move because you stink”. I could not stand to smell myself and so as I got home I washed my under arms. I never tried that again not bathing again.
For my 12th birthday, I had a party. Paul paid for it. We went together to buy the cake and food on the South Side. The decorations were pink and white. I bought a Kodak disc camera to take pictures. I wore a red and white outfit. Chelle came and some of the kids I invited from the neighborhood came. A few of the black girls from my new school came. None of the white kids I invited came. I did not wish my parents to get back together because my dad told me to stop wasting my wishes. He had been telling me that for few years. I wished for a stereo.
My best friend Chelle, we continued to keep in touch after I left Wilkerson Elementary School. She told me she was pregnant by Mark, a guy that I liked from the old school.
I felt overwhelmed with my life a couple weeks after my 12th birthday so I took an overdose of pills and wine. I had been taking overdoses of Tylenol pills regularly. This time I felt more out of it then usually. I had taken a whole bottle of Tylenol and some of my Grandma Helen’s prescription medicine and some arthritis pain pills, and washed it down with grape flavored Morgan David wine.
The irony is that we were studying the affects of drugs in school. My mom was at school so I told my grandmother Helen. She called her nephew, Snookie who live upstairs, to take me to the hospital. Paul, my grandfather, went with me. Snookie said he did not believe me but he ran every red light to Cardinal Glennon children’s Hospital.
They gave me some stuff that made me throw up. A nun came in and asked me why I wanted to kill myself. I told her did not I just want to get sick. She did not believe me. I thought if I could get sick, I could take some time and get things under control. I had to stay in the hospital a couple of days because they feared kidney damage.
Paul came sat with me everyday. I asked my mom not to tell my dad, and she did not. When I was discharged the hospital recommended counseling. Paul and I would ride two buses to my counseling sessions. After I was back at home my mom’s boyfriend shared with me, he had a nervous breakdown to try to make me feel better.
After my dad came back from college, he and I started doing model rocketry. We had a launch at the O’Fallon Park. My dad rented a picnic pavilion and we invited our family. My dad made a remote launcher. We worked on it for months in the basement at my Grandma Rosie’s house. We had a rocket six feet tall. I had my uncle stand next to it to check.
We got some white mice and named them Jerry Jett and Astro. She was pregnant when we got her. We realized this when we were cleaning her cage. She had the babies and eat them. We prepared them for space flight in a simulator we made from a toilet tissue roll. She killed Jerry Jett later.
My Cousin, Lala, told my dad, I had developed a crush on this white guy named Todd at school. He told me about how white men had sexually abused black women during slavery, and I had better not think any more about white guys. I was going through my phase where I want to be bi-racial. I had even told my dad I wished he were a white man. I was darkest on my mom’s side of the family. My grandma Helen would call me spook. My mom and I would stand in the mirror, she would say your black, and I am beautiful. She was joking with me, but I still stuck with me.
For some class during middle school we had to do family history assignments. I began asking my mom’s parents about when they grow up. I found out my Grandma Helen was the eleventh of twelve children. Most of siblings died during childhood. Her parents were sharecroppers. Her Dad’s name was Mathew and he was dark skinned. Her mother’s name was Lula Ballard she was octoroon ( 1/8 African American). She was baptistized in the Mississippi River. A racist killed her brother Matthew. His murder was never prosecuted. Helen attend Hearts Chapel a one-room schoolhouse.
My grandmother married her first husband Roosevelt Cubbington on the condition they would go up north to St. Louis. After he died, she met Paul. They met in Tennessee while she was visiting her girlfriend. She was on the way home to see her sick dad.
Paul was a Black Indian. His grandfather was a full-blooded Cherokee (Native American). He grew up in Oxford, Mississippi a hillbilly region. Paul had a sister named Katie and an older brother named Thomas. His grandparents raised him. Paul repeated 8th grade several times because he worked in the fields. He was a cook in the Army during World War II. He told me had worked for a Ku Klux Klan member. He worked for Champ’s manufacturing while I was growing up.
Today my daughters confronted me about my male bashing behavior. I was abusing the good Queen’s English and calling men everything but a child of God. I was disappointed because my plans for a date fell through. It reminded me of all the hurt and disappointment I have went through in relationships with men. The spirit of unforgiviness resurfaced.
I thought about Haman the Agagite in the book of Esther. The Agagites, were enemies of the Jews. Saul was suppose to destroy the Agag, but he disobeyed God and allowed him to live. As a result the Agagites hated the Jews and had preached hater for years.
Holding on to the poison(hatred) is what destroyed Haman and his family. They had been taught to hate the Jews.
I realized my male bashing is poison my daughters and setting them up for disastrous relationships with men.
I was reviewing the first chapter of The Big Block Goes on Top. I posted the revised introduction recently on this blog. I thought my autobiography has helped me realize what has influence. I realize that I was exposed to domestic violence and addiction very early. They have become a strong hold in my family like deception was a strong hold in Abraham’s. Abraham asked his wife on more than one occasion to pretend to be his sister. Abraham’s son Issac also asked his wife to pretend to be his sister. He repeated the pattern of deception.
Issac’s wife Rebkah and his son Jacob deceived him into blessing Jacob. Issac’s family also suffered from poor communication. My family is struggling with this very issue. Jacobs sons deceived him into believing his son Joseph was dead.
David’s family is another example of the cycle of bad influence affecting generations. David committed adultery with Bathsheba. Lust was also the downfall of David’s son’s Solomon, Amnon and Abnor.
Syinly’s family has been affected by domestic violence in the forms of emotional, verbal and psychically abuse.
An excerpt from The Big Block Goes on Top dealing with Emotional and Verbal Abuse
My grandma Helen was verbally abusive to Paul because he was a gambler. He spent a lot of time and money at Fairmount Park the horse race track. It seemed that my grandma Helen was always fussing at Paul. I thought my grandmother hated him.
Second excerpt from The Big Block Goes on Top dealing with domestic violence
I would sit on the steps and listen to my Grandma Helen’s nephew Snookie and his wife arguing. He would use profanity and make sexual explicit statements. He was emotionally and psychically abusive. Sometimes they would be loud so my grandma Helen would send Paul up stairs to talk to him. I wondered why his wife stayed. I thought if I were her, I would leave.
When I got married I repeated the pattern of verbal, emotional and psychical abuse. The bible has convicted me about verbal abuse.
The number one killer of African-American women ages 15 to 34 is homicide at the hands of a current or former intimate partner.
Author’s Note This is a work of nonfiction. I have told the events faithfully and truthfully as I recalled them. Some names and descriptions of individuals have been changed in order to respect their privacy. I have tried to tell my story honestly with out sharing too much of others.
During my first year of college, the professor asked the class could a homeless person become a millionaire. One of my white male classmates from a rural background said, “yes”. As I listen to the discussion, I thought I am glad, I am in college. I will be able to find a good job and not have to deal with being homeless. I felt I knew more about being homeless because I had seen homeless people in St. Louis. At the time, I did think of homeless people as skid row bums and of course, they were “those people”. I spoke up in class and said, “the homeless person would probably not become a millionaire because they would be concerned with other things like eating, sleeping, and shelter”. The professor agreed with me. Ten years later in the midst of being homeless, I thought about that day in class. I thought about how right I was about the obstacles a homeless person would face. I realize that homeless people were not “those people” any more, they were my people. I realized they were people just like me one paycheck away from being homeless. I was out raged at the treatment homeless people received and I wanted to expose how homeless people were treated. I thought if I expose the second-class citizen treatment, the public would be compelled to make some changes. The media has carried stories about homeless but they do not really deal with who the homeless are. They present the stories with out human interest. The media does not make it a point to share that % of homeless are families. The media neglects to emphasize that 20% of the homeless are working. That 11% of the homeless are veterans. When I started writing about my homeless experience. I did not want to tell my whole life story. I realized later that it was necessary to tell my whole story, because you don’t just wake up homeless one day, something has to cause it. For me it was a downward progression. In addition, I felt I would not have been homeless if the big block had not gone on top. Had I stopped to try to repair my faulty foundations then being homeless may not have been an issue for me. I decided to reveal my whole story so reader could relate. I wanted people to know that homeless women are somebody’s daughter, mother, girlfriend, friend, co-worker, classmate. During the time I was homeless I thought about reading displaced person by Flannery O’ Connor. The story was about the holocaust survivors who were relocated to the South. In her story the definition of displaced person is,” they ain’t were they were born at there’s nowhere for them to go…” In Atlanta, it seemed to me, homeless people were displaced since the majority of them were from somewhere else like me and didn’t feel like there was anywhere to go. My lack of sound judgment caused all my homeless experience. During my initial experience being homeless one of girls stated, she had been at the shelter before I thought I could not believe it. Before my first homeless experience, I read some Bible commentary about Jesus being a homeless man. I would describe my first homeless experience as inconvenient. My desire for a man had become my god and affect my judgment. During this time I got remarried thinking a man would be my salvation. My Lack of sound judgment, understanding, and ignoring wise counsel caused me to have bad credit and bad previous rental history which led to my second homeless experience. During my Third homeless experience, I began to feel the stigma of being homeless. I would be an eyewitness to all the obstacles a homeless person has to overcome to achieve the American dream. How does one become Homeless three times? Before it, happen to me I did not understand how it could happen more than once. I did not realize that, the concept of soild foundation is important. I was just like the two little pigs who built their house out of straw and sticks. I should have learned that from my experience with blocks when I was a little girl. I loved to play with building blocks. I would build elaborate structures with the smallest block on the bottom. My structures would topple because they did not have a foundation. My Dad would tell me to build it differently. Scripture says, “ Wisdom hath builded her house, she hath hewn out her seven pillars (proverbs9: 1) the seven pillars are prudence, knowledge, discretion, counsel, sound judgment, understanding and power. These must be set on a strong foundation. Foundations are poured with Concrete, which is mixture of fine and course aggregates, which fill the voids. Instead of relying on the one true God,” Thou shall have no other gods before me. I used all wrong things as gods to fill the voids alcohol, men and food. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. The voids in my life grew larger because my god’s were ineffective and my structures collapsed. The big block was on top. My homelessness was just an outward sign of my inward instability. The Big Blocks of Philly, and Agape that should have been the foundations in my life were not present. Eros was unbalanced in life trying to fill the voids. My lack of boundaries affected my personal sense of power, my interpretation of the seventh pillar. Divorce, depression, and subsequent alcoholism were the mildew and water damage that caused my foundation to crack and eventually become unstable. Depression also affected my judgment and alcoholism affected all seven pillars. I continued to try build on a faulty foundation. My lack of prudence caused me to ignore the cracks in my foundation.
