After La Freda, left Ms. Brown told me it was possible we would get a roommate. I was not pleased and angry with La Freda. I missed her so much. One day I took one of the other women at the shelter daughter to the park with me because she was close to the La Freda’s age. I thought that would help but the little was not well behaved and nothing like my daughter. We got a roommate and things started bad. My roommate Ally was from Argentina and bilingual. My roommate’s daughter caused La Joy to fall and had she had nice bruise. I decided to leave the shelter. I could not find another shelter. We went to Ellis Street I lost a whole package of pampers and the charger to my cell phone. I talked to Allie at the day shelter and decided maybe I had jumped the gun the next night we were not so lucky we. LaJoy and I rode the train late into the night. While we were on the train this man gave La Joy a key chain. He said I could use it to put my keys on after she tired of playing with it. He mentioned something about a home. I said we are praying on that. Before he got off the train, he handed me a ten-dollar bill. He said I do not know why but I think you can use this. We got off the train and went to K-mart. I brought some pampers and cheetos. We had cheetos for dinner. Finally, we went to the Task Force for the Homeless. I slept on the floor with no cover or mats with La Joy on top of me. Bugs were crawling on us. As soon as Marta started running, I left to ride the train until it was time to take La Joy to day care. I begged to go back to the Salvation Army and I had not received my refund yet. The first thing I did was bathe I had not had a bath in three days and I felt horrible.

Mrs. C bought tickets for me and one of the other parents to go HIPS, a gospel play about women and their relationship to men that were out of order. All the children in her day care were from single parent families. She really tried to encourage and help the parents.

My dad sent me a ticket to come home for my uncle’s funeral. It was round trip ticket. I accidentally washed the ticket and it was destroyed. I stayed in St. Louis for a month. La Joy and watch TV all day. I would help La Freda with her homework after school. I think I needed a break from shelter life. Living in the shelter had been hard on my psychically . I had lost some weight. That was a good thing though.

I left St. Louis to go back to Atlanta Halloween night. La Freda was so upset about not going trick or treating. She made me feel so guilty. I wanted to take her back with me. I felt a little spooky riding greyhound bus on Halloween. I slept most of the trip. I had been thinking about going to JOC. I had heard good things about them. I soon realized the Salvation Army was better. I was paying more money to sleep on the floor in a church, then I had been paying to have a semi-private room. There was no privacy. There was only one shower for everyone.Don was at JOC he had found a job at the Omni hotel downtown. The food at JOC was worst then Salvation Army and there was no dining area. La Joy and I usually eat at the underground and then caught the bus from five points back to the shelter. I was so tired one night and one of the other guests, woke me up because I was snoring. Four of my suitcases were stolen out of the storage shed and I lost my identification and all my important papers. I was devastated.

This women name Gwen came to stay at JOC. I had seen her before at the Atlanta Library on each Peachtree. I had suspected she was homeless. She told me My Sisters house was accepting women. It was a brand new shelter. It was a relief after JOC and it was free. I asked a West Indian guy to give me ride to My Sister’s house, I could not take all my stuff on the bus. He kept trying to talk me into staying with him in a motel in Cobb County. At My Sisters house they wanted us to go to chapel service every night. I was in a room with a lot of young women who had to grow up fast. At My sisters house they made the single mom’s go to a Christian parenting classes. I was there a while before I got a suite mate. La Joy would be praise God in chapel. Everyone would comment on how La Joy praised the Lord. I thought about how before when I went to the prayer breakfast my coworker invited me to in St. Louis the speaker told me I need to praise God stop being focusing on men. I started going to New Birth while in my sister’s house. I did not even know how to get there for sure. When I got to five points, I saw some other homeless people that were going to New Birth so I followed them. La Joy did not have any pampers. At church, I asked a woman in the bathroom whose child was the same size. I felt embarrassed, but did not have any pampers or any money. At New Birth Rodger’s Minster in training man gave me some money. I went to Mc Donald’s and to buy some pampers from Kmart after church.

Centennial Park became our second home. I would sit and watch the people. Dreaming about coming here with the girls after we were settled. We would watch the water show. Don a single father with two boys helped us before I was approved for welfare. He would buy us stuff to eat. He taught me how to get around downtown Atlanta. He allowed me to use his bus pass since I had sold mine. We went to the free concerts in the park. We saw La Tosha Scott of Escape.

After a couple of weeks my parents came, they found me at the library I had just sat down to email my friends from St. Louis. We left and went to La Frieda’s school. They took us out to dinner at Chili’s in Alpharetta and showed me where my uncle lived. I was so shocked I could not finish my food. I was never full when I finished eating meals at the shelter they were not filling. I was always hungry. My oldest daughter decided to go back to St. Louis with them. That was the hardest weekend. I thought about giving my youngest daughter to her Dad. That Monday I was so glad I changed my mind, when La Joy held me so tight. I thought I was stupid to let one child go but not the other.

The amount of day care assistance the state of Georgia gave me was not enough to put La Joy in a day care center. One center said they would work with me but they would not put it in writing. My day care caseworker refused to approve my day care assistance. She told me people here in Atlanta people will run game on you. She gave me a dollar to call her back once I found a day care center. I used it to get La Joy a snack for the day. I did find a way to call her. I finally got day care for La Joy after being in Atlanta 3 weeks. I thought about what my Grandma  had said when I was in Ponca City and had a day care issue. She asked did I pray about it so I prayed. At the Atalnta day shetler, I used the phone to call a  list of at home day care providers in the booklet I was given at the social services office. I met Mrs. C.  Mrs. C answered the phone the others I got answering machines. Day care was important for La Joy it meant she would eat and be safe all day long.

La Joy would beg strangers for candy and snacks. I was so embarrassed but I did not stop her because she was probably hungry. The morning bus driver would flirt with me and gave La Joy candy. I could relax at Mrs. C house. She let me store food there. I started job hunting. I applied at fast food places and hotels. I got an interview at Marriott Marquee for a banquet position. I got a call back for a second interview but they had filled the position before I could call them to schedule a time. Mrs. C’s husband tired to get me a job at the hotel he worked at. I got an interview there and I went to the Day Shelter to get some clothes. They gave me a navy blue pants suit. I had never interviewed before in pants suit. I did not have any make up. After a couple of months I got tired of looking for a job, so I hung out at the library reading magazines, books, emailing friends and applying for jobs online. Some days I would feel sad because I missed working in the library.

I hated the days the day care was closed. We would have to ride the train all day. I felt I did not want to expose La Joy to the day shelter more than I had. If I did not have any money or Food stamps, we would go.

Things got a little better after received my final check for my library job in St. Louis. I was the shelter baller then. Having money was frustrating because I still did not have what I wanted place to stay. I brought a cell phone. Louie came and got us. We drove around to all the studios in Atlanta. After that we went to the hotel. When he was in St. Louis, we had found the address for the studio on the Internet. La Joy would not go to sleep. Louie and I were getting intimate. I had been celibate for a year. Someone knocked on the door and broke the hold mood.

Don and I looked at an apartment we thought about moving in together. I wasted my money on the application fee. Don decided he did not like the property owner after we left the office. Don wanted to date me but I was stuck on My Chocolate boo, Louie. Don was put out of the shelter for not being able to pay his rent, I was so sad. I wished I could have helped. The previous week a woman from Florida paid Don’s rent.

At the Salvation Army, different churches came to pick up the homeless I decided to go one Sunday. I went to Word of Deliverance church. When I got to the church I could have fell out they had banner that said out the Egypt the same thing I thought when I was in the car on the way to Atlanta. One weekend I decided to follow Mrs. C to her church Newbirth. I thought it looked like an arena it was so huge. I was amazed to see all my black people praising and worshiping God together. It was an awesome experience. I continued to go to Word of Deliverance until I left the Salvation Army shelter. The church members encouraged the visitors to participate in the service not just sit on the pew. They encouraged you to sing along and dance. Before then I spent services asking God about should I marry the man in my life.

When I got back to St. Louis Moses had went Missing in Action. I found out through child support enforcement that Moses was living at archway a local treatment center. I would drive around the treatment center hoping to see him. They also told me he was working at Aaron. I went to Aaron enter pretending go be interested in furniture or getting a job.

I stayed with my mother and stepfather. I got a temporary job at Contico working in their warehouse. That was hard work. I was looking for something full time and permanent in communications. In December, my uncle went out of town my grandmother lived with him and she was going to need to stay with my mother for an extended visit. La Freda and I went to stay with my Dad and step mom.

My dad and step mom were really into church they had joined Trinity Mt Carmel. I started attending church, again because I was feeling a spiritual void. I started attending new members classes and I got saved. I realized the AA meetings that encouraged my spirituality were no longer enough. I needed to understand God more.I was attending my home group that met at the hospital I went through treatment at. I had become group service representative and chairperson. God as I understood him was not working for me.

My relationship with my stepmother continued to be difficult. I would try and stay gone all day and come in late at night to avoid being around her. I was so stressed out in the mornings, I struggled to get out of bed my body was locked up with tension. I had several car accidents, because I would just drive around. all day .Since she wanted me to leave, I kept trying to get her to take the keys since she wanted me out so badly.

When she would not accept my keys, I threw them at her. She threw the keys back at me. I hit her. My Dad broke us up. I continue dto try and fight her. La Freda ran over trying to help me. I was surprised. I thought she had not bonded with me. I left that night , with out La Freda my Dad would not let me take La Freda. I went over my boyfriend’s house.

I went to a shelter downtown in St. Louis at the suggestion of my god sister. Also, I thought I could jump ahead of people on the section 8 List. I thought being around these people would make me have more of the real black experience. I had never really hung out in the hood. I had more education, than most of the residents and some of the staff. I went on Friday, I felt uncomfortable. It was like in movie “sleeper’s” the children would cry their mothers would physically abuse them.

The bathroom there was horrible. There were used sanitary napkins not wrapped up. It smelled like urine. I got assigned the chore of cleaning it. The shelter staff gave me some cleaning supplies but I did not feel it was enough to do a good job. I went to the store and bought more cleaning supplies. Even though I cleaned, it I still did not feel comfortable using the bathroom. The women used the comet; I bought to clean the bathroom to wash their clothes. I felt sorry for them and bought some laundry detergent for the dormitory. I told them anybody that needed some could use it. It was gone in day. I rarely eat at the shelter.

I left early every morning and went to my grandma Rosie house to eat and bath. That would become my routine. I brought my alarm clock but a woman, Ms. Ann who had mental illness took it. She put it with her things while I was at work. The other residents took me she had it .When I explained to her I needed it back so I could get up to get ready for work. She told me I did not work that I had been on the corner.

There was another woman who was a “little touched” Ms. Mary she would quote scripture. She seem to quote what I needed to hear at the time. She was from Louisiana. I would usually eat dinner at my mom’s she lived in North county were I was working another temp job.

After I was there a couple of days a pregnant girl came in with her son, she looked a lot like me on her first night uncomfortable her name was Hope we became friends. Hope’s family lived on the same street as my new boyfriend.

Hope asked me what I would do to get out of her situation. I told her I would go to school. I told her about how I struggled to finish college as a single parent. After we left the shelter, I helped Hope enroll on St. Louis Community College at Forest Park. I took her to get her high school transcript. We went to some agency that assisted her with filling out her financial aid forms. I told her to apply for work-study. I advised her against loans.

Ophelia’s (Snookie’s wife) niece that had five kids was there too. For Resurrection Sunday, a predominately-white church came and served breakfast they gave the children stuff animal bunnies.

One day La Frieda and I went to apples bees I thought I just wanted to feel normal again. I had a car, which made things easer it served as transportation and storage space. I was amazed that the young women there would fix their selves up. I thought if I saw them on the streets, I would not think they were homeless. While I was there, I heard this woman say this was her second time. I thought this is my first and last to myself. I thought how they could allow themselves become homeless again.

One night this young girl with two kids got into with another girl there. One of girls pulled a knife on the other girl during the fight. They got into fight over a shirt. The police were called and the girls were put out that night with their children.

After I started to settle in a single mom with two teenage sons came, we slept in a dormitory. They were sleeping at the foot of my bed. A couple of days later I moved to the next level. The rooms did not have any doors so there was still no privacy. I got a room by the stairs. The room had more privacy because it was away from the main hall. It was next to a homeless single dad. All the women would sneak around the corner trying to talk with him. I thought my goodness this man does have any thing and they still want him.

For my birthday, I decided to leave early and go watch the sunrise at Washington University. I had always wanted to do it since I heard Julie talking about how beautiful it was. I thought I had to have man with me to enjoy it. I went there and I prayed. I enjoyed myself despite the fact I was homeless and that I was not dressed nice. I spent the day driving around and finally went over my boy friends house.

I left the shelter because my chore they assigned me required I come back at dinnertime which was hours before curfew. Plus they moved me into hallway with all the other women. There was less privacy. I did not want to socialize with those women. After my temporary day job ended, I found a part time job at university of Missouri at St. Louis.

`I moved in with my boyfriend even though I already paid the security deposit for transitional housing. I did not move into because of some confusion and stayed with my boyfriend for a few months. I got sick of him. I went to the transitional housing office and said look you got my security deposit, I need some keys. I found a full time job at a local hotel and conference center doing audiovisual. I started working full time but, I continued to stay with my boyfriend and pay rent at my own apartment. I was not paying the utility bills. I always had the intention to but I was constantly overspending. I also thought I would go beg different agency to cover the bills, But then I did not want to be bothered. My first year in shelter care plus I received shut off notices in every color from Ameren UE.

One day my shelter care plus caseworker came. I told her I was stressed out trying to pay my daughter’s day care fees. She reduced my rent. When it was ti me for my next home visit my caseworker got a promotion and the program assigned me a new caseworker told me I did not deserve any apartment because it was so messy. Things were good at work my boss become my friend. She signed me up for supervisor training. I was invited to one of employee relations committee meetings after the meeting someone congratulated me on being voted in as a new member. I did not even ask to join.

My car broke down after a few months. My dad cosigned for car and I realized I could not afford it unless I got another job. My insurance rates were way too high because of all the accidents I had in the past. I took off one morning and went to apply for a multimedia technician posting at a Historical black college. When I turned the application in, I told the human resource assistant, “I ‘ll see you next time when I come for the interview.” I could not believe I was being so bold. The interview was a panel interview it went great. I was surprised, because usually I am so anxious at interviews. I was laughing and smiling.

So I went to work for a historical black college. I thought this should be the answer but I still was not making enough money to live how I wanted. After the first month, I threaten to quit. My boss refused to accept my resignation letter. I enjoyed working with the students but I was not getting along with my co-worker. I did not feel he was doing his fair share of the workload. After a year I resigned, I had attempted to quit about three times during the year .

Mercy according to Central Baptist Church Spiritual Gifts sheet, gift is deep and extraordinary compassion that transcends normal human caring. Mercy is thing, an action and role that we have as Christians.

As I reflect on disrespectful children I think about Samson. Despite his flaws God was still able to use him in a mighty way. Samson life would have been easier like mine would have been had he listen to his parents regarding marriage.

My mother is strong like Eve, determined like Sarah. My mother is beautiful like Rachel.   My mother smart like Abigail. She listens to sound advice like Bathsheba. She has cried and rejoiced over me like Mary. She encourages like Mary encouraged Jesus to perform his first miracle.

My mother is a proverbs 31 woman. She is always concerned about those in her household being prepared for the season.

I thank my mother for encouraging me with my writing. I thank her for encouraging me to be a feminist and encouraging me to continue being a christian and grow. Happy Birthday Momma

I like monopoly because of  it’s the only time I ever get to feel rich except for income tax refund season. I like the game and I like the Charles B. Darrow’s story, he was unemployed when he invented and nobdoy thought people would be interested but he became a number one board game.  It appeals to me be because I always cheer for the underdog.

Tonight the person who won said I won because I played and I had a strategy. I thought I never thought about playing the game with strategy. I also had never thought about living with strategy.   In my late teens I set some goals but they were only about materialistic things. In my late twenties was the first time I ever set any goals.  My husband at the time pushed into it. I still have yet to achieve some goals on that list. I have noticed the last few years where  I have set goals have been better. At least I can see I made some progress, I did a few goals for this year.

Life is kind of like monopoly you don’t get to pick where you start, you go  don’t sit still long and you take chances.

Random Statement

When was a teenager my friend told me, ” This ain’t no monopoly world you living in the egg shell with pantyhose”

Inspirational Quotes

Do It Now

The seven principles

There is one principle for each of the seven days of Kwanzaa in the following order.
1. Umoja (unity) to strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.
2. Kujchagulia (self determination) to define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.
3. Ujima (collective work and responsibility) to build and maintain our community together and make our sister’s and brother’s problems our problems and to solve them together.
4. Ujamaa (cooperative economics) to build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses together.
5. Nia (purpose) to make our collective vocation the building of our community to restore our people to their traditional greatness.
6. Kuumba (creativity) to do as much as we can to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.
7. Imani (faith) to believe with our hearts in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle. 

I have to admit I have only particpated in one day Kwanzza celebrations.  I don’t remember when I frist learned of  Kwanzza, but I did think it was a neat idea. I felt the seven princples should be celebrated in the African American community. It seems that most of them were already encouraged by the black church and community any way.

 The frist Kwanaza celebration I attended was in college.  As president  of the MultiCultural Organization, I thought it was good idea. We read the seven princples and ate the feast I had prepared and lit the seven candles.  The next time I attended a Kwanaza celebration was  at  my  church, It was part of the Kilao program  (Rites of passage). My oldest daughter who was a girl scout was invited. I thought the celebration was interesting and a little long.  I felt it was a good black history lesson.

 The last Kwanaza celebration I attended was when myoldest daughter was in kilao. I  had not planned to attend I was scheduled to work that day but unable to secure transporation for my daughter.  I decided to call in at work and pratice “Umoja”.  I had been working two jobs and not  spending time with my daughters.  We enjoyed the celebration. My youngest daughter was asked to particpate and I was proud. 

 I had been verbally abusive to my oldest daughter on the way to kilao.  Her forgivness brouhgt me to tears.  She bought me some make up( praticed Ujamaa ,cooperative economics andImani ,faith)  and told me I should wear it when I went on my date. I couldn’t believe after I had acted so ugly that my daughter would want to buy me anything.

 Now I have to admit Kwanzaa is becoming commerical like christmas. I have heard through the blogsphere that some people are gettiing to carried  away with it, but Kwanzaa is just like everything else good in moderation and bad when taken to excess.

 I believe the princple of  Umoja is a christian based  principle, in  the book of Proverbs  it talks a lot about family relationships and other places in the bible as well. Not mention Jesus advised us to love one another.

Ujima collective  work and responsibilty, there are many verse about caring for the poor, widows and prisoners, so I can see where this would be  a biblical bases princple as well.

 Nia , purpose, there are numerous scriptures that support the idea that God has a purpose for our lives. Our main purpose to praise him. God is so wonderful he has given us many different purposes in our lives.   We have different purpose based on age,  and sex.

Kuumba ,creativity God being the master creator making us in his image means we are destine to create.   God has given us the vision to create so many things.

Kujchagulia (self determination)and Imani (faith) are the two princples that can meaning can be preverted. In the Bible there are many examples  of what can happen when faith is placed in the wrong thing. 

With the  hertiage of slavery and self hate in the black community I can see why Kujchagulia was included as part of Kwanzaa. I do also see how  self determination can be taken out of context.

  Please research kwanzaa for your self and decide if it is an idea to be embraced our not.

Employers are not concerned that at the end of shift some employees have no home to go too.

Now I can say when I worked at hotel and someone in housekeeping was homeless the General Manager did try and help her get hotel accomandations at another property.

Homeless people should just get a job, Being homeless creates more stress on workers. They have to be concerned about being to have stability that is necessary to function.

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My six year old picked the picture, but Christ is definitely in Christmas.
Last weekend

we had to decide which Christmas party to attend. We had been invited to three parties. We decided to follow my daughters choir to  International Winter Wonderland  at  The Youth& Family in North St. Louis.

We had a personal tour guide that gave us information about Christmas celebrations around the world. We learned that in Australia the presents are hide on the beach like and Easter egg hunt.

I had meant to write about this before and I forgot about it tell my daughter came home today with a little booklet they made at school Celebrations Around the World. I wondered why yesterday she came home with a wreath with candles on her head. I realize now they were learning about Christmas in Sweden which is St. Lucia’s Day.  Our tour guide told us about St. Lucia day at the winter wonderland celebration  attended.

We also learned about Christmas traditions in Brazil and Nigeria. Our tour guide through winter wonderland told us in Brazil they attend a  midnight mass and have a feast.  In Nigeria they have a feast and they don’t value present like we do in the United States.   In Nigera they spend time with there family and attend a church service.

In Germany, Christmas is know as Saint Nicholas Eve. I as familiar with German tradition from taking German in grade school and high school. In high school my classmates would sing Oh  repeatedly. I always tease my children and tell them Santa Claus should be more like Saint Nicholas and leave a switch and a lump of coal if they are bad. I do like that their Santa Claus at least makes you think about Christ since the children write letters to Christkind.

We learned about Christmas in France and how the children thier shoes in front of the fireplace.

We had a snack a hot dog and chips. Then we took our family picture with Santa Claus. Apparently, somebody had to much eggnog because they had a sign asking Ladies not to set on Santa’s Lap. Unfortunately greed also affected the festive spirit because parents left with trash bags full of toys. Now it was the  not the intention that children get toys for Christmas but that there be so many per family.

It made me think about the Christmas party from Hell that we went to in 2002 at the Marriott Downtown. 500 guest were invited by 1500 people showed up.

What I found most interesting about the packet my daughter received at school is that it mentioned non-christian winter  holiday traditions.  It mentionedkwanzaa, which has nothing to do with Christ.  I thought is this to imply that African American don’t believe in Jesus.

I thought today I would reflect on Halloween past memoirs. I remember in grade school my mom let me go  trick or treat. She didn’t really believe in letting me go outside. I dressed up as spiderman. I always got boys costumes, one year I was superman.

One year my mother did let me have a Halloween sleep over it was great. My uncle put on a mask and scared us.

I remember my first Hallelujah party. I dressed up like a mi

The Halloween I will remember is the year my oldest daughter wanted to go trick or treating. I decided to go back to Atlanta. The greyhound bus left at 8pm , so she was not able to treat or tricking she cried all the way to the bus station. I felt so guilty. I felt a little nervous about riding 13 hours on bus on halloween night.

I was going to post this earlier but I had to take the kiddies trick or treating.