Old Testimony

Published May 14, 2015 by syinly

At church events, I have heard the speaker say to the audience, “your testimony is too old” that is why you are going through.  Today I realize we are just like Job’s friends. Trying to come up with an answer for the unexplainable.  From Job’s narrative, we could say originally he didn’t have a testimony. God did not think his testimony too old. God was impressed with Job’s testimony even before he went through trails and tribulations. God used Job’s testimony. Hopefully at some point he will be able to use mine. I have not been through the level of suffering of Job. I could not even begin to imagine.

Before when I noticed on social media people sharing their testimony. I would always share my blog post-My Testimony, but this morning when I thought about doing that I thought “your testimony is too old”. Not that God’s twins Grace and Mercy didn’t save me from abuse, alcoholism, and myself. The last couple of months of my life has been up and down. One day it’s blessing the next day it’s wrestling with God. I have wanted to say F*** everything and run. Face ever thing and recover is not my first response. I believe God is trying to teach me problem-solving and he is working on my emotions. I was  reading How to Make it Big as a consultant, the section about allowing your subconscious mind solve problems. I had an epiphany that is how you allow God to solve them.

  1. No Pressure, when you turn the situation over in Faith. There is to be no more pressure.
  2. Distractions, For me this is my emotions, friends and family they are constantly distracting me. When something happens I still hours, days even curse, nurse and rehearsing. In the midst of this I can’t begin to listen for the answer.
  3. Limited Time– God knew the problem was coming before I even existed, so he has
  4. False Knowledge– False Evidence Appearing Real ( I need to use scripture to combat this). For me, the false evidence is the negative self-talk

Code switching, Diversity, and Blackness

Published May 12, 2015 by syinly

code picRecently, I participated in a debate about how do I feel the media (television, books, and movies) reflected images I want my children to see. The discussion lead to diversity. I mentioned that children are too busy trying to prove their blackness to embrace diversity. Embracing diversity in my perception has been seen as selling out.  As a black woman, I struggle with fitting in. It depends on the crowd. Sometimes I have to surrender my blackness sometimes my feminity.

The television show Blackish lighty treads on issues of proving blackness (black nationalism) and diversity. The show does not take the risk and engage these topics at a deep level. In the midst of “Black Lives Matter” the importance of this discussion is critical. I realize in college, I made a conscious effort to prove my blackness. I used it as a defense mechanics to keep people away. I used more slang and ebonics in conversation.  Years later at work in a predominately white environment, I clung to the idea of proving my blackness. When my blackness was challenged my pride caused me to react and I was terminated as a result of an altercation. The altercation was a result of me trying to prove my hood toughness.

For years, I did code switching I didn’t realize it was a technical term for it.  In middle school and high school, I was in a predominately white school district. Before college when I showed an interest in rock and alternative music I was criticized by my mother  for being too white. When I spoke proper English again I was reprimanded for not embracing blackness.   In work environments, code switching is necessary to appear professional.

Comedian Kat Williams often jokes in his routines that black people have Negro (political correct) meeting and discuss topics. Maybe we really should, we could discuss diversity within our cultural. It seems now hip hop is the only reflection of our culture. Proving blackness has now become an excuse for not embracing the arts (with an exception of music), not advancing academically. Which is sad when you think about all the contributions to music, medical, and technology that black American have made. Contributions that have improved the quality of life. It is my personal belief that once we are more able to embrace uniqueness within our own culture we can appreciate diversity.

In my experience, blacks have been discouraged from learning about other cultures. There are some who do. I know as a parent I send my children mixed messages. The one-way hand I encourage them to read multicultural literature and learn about other cultures. When they seem too interested, I criticized. My children have the blackish struggles. They have been raised in a predominately white environment because they lived and were educated in a suburban community.

Recently I attended racial divide conversation.  It was an interesting mix. My assumption was the audience would be predominately black. When I arrived late, I noticed the trickle of black people arriving. I thought, “here we go we coming in colored people time”. The panelist who were our discussion leaders did not reflect diversity. There was moderator a young black male. Bernie Hayes an elder black male advocate and black female who was a mix of afro-centric and eclectic. The final panelist was a middle age artistic while male. The discussion focused on topics such as code switching, white flight, and educational disparity.

The black speakers on the panel seem to have had the blackish experience. One was real life Carlton Banks. He was adopted and had been raised by a white family. He didn’t know anything about code switching. He only had one experience.   If you read African American literature you see different classes with the black community, the street people, middle class, and upper class.

One of audience member told us the media is creating a paranoid that is affecting race relations. I believe this to be true. I don’t see stories about middle-class blacks or upper-class blacks. The only black people you see are street people and entertainers and athletes. The entertainers, for the most part, embrace street culture.

After listening to the panel, I wondered if the “Black experience“ is constructed. Race is a construct.  The African American community just like the white community has three social economic classes. I cannot deny the existence of white privilege.

Relationship Drama/ Trauma

Published April 17, 2015 by syinly

            I was reading a Facebook post by a young lady. What she was expressing seemed like a scene from my life. My response was not what it should have been, but I felt so emotional. I am still dealing with trauma from my own relationship. It breaks my heart to see other women go through similar experiences. I wish I could just talk with them and say look I have suffered, just listen to me and don’t know have too. You also could just read  Terry Mc Millian novel disappearing acts or watch the movie.  I don’t tell the whole story, but I believe this long expert will give you just of what was going on. Here’s my story…

Louie mentioned he had recorded Terry Mc Millian’s disappearing Acts. I was excited because now I had something I could talk to him about. I told him to bring so I could watch.  The next time I saw them he didn’t bring the movie. I asked him for his number so I could call and remind him.  I would drive over Louie’s every night. He made me feel attractive.  I did not like to clean up and Louie’s apartment was clean. The nights I did not want to go La Freda wanted to go to watch cable television.  Amadeus would talk to me every opportunity he got telling me to leave Louie alone or get divorced and marry him. Most times, it was to leave him alone and go back to my husband.

In May graduation weekend, Louie uninvited me to his college graduation.  Previously he had invited me now he uninvited me. Since I worked at the school, I could attend graduation regardless.

It was around this time told my god sister, Louie and I were having unprotected sex. I was buying pregnancy test every month. She told me get on birth control; I kept coming up with excuses for not going the Planned Parenthood clinic. In April, I was disappointed that I was not pregnant. In July, I went to the clinic, the doctor warned me about the dangers of unprotected sex. The pregnancy test came back negative. About a week later, I purchased a home pregnancy test at Walgreen’s. I was pregnant. I had not thought about how my pregnancy would affect anybody.

My AA sponsor suggested I get an abortion because I should not hurt Moses anymore.  Louie wanted me to have an abortion. I had agreed at the start of our relationship, if I got pregnant, I would have an abortion.  I did not want to and I knew Louie did not want me to have the baby. I informed Louie, I was not paying for an abortion so if he wanted me to have one he was going to have to pay for it.

I went to birthright for counseling because I was scared Louie would be upset and I was not sure how he was going to Love -handle me telling him I didn’t want to have any abortion.  I was relieved when I realized he didn’t have any money because he was asking me for money a few days before I was supposed to go the clinic.

 

I had moved into a bigger apartment and I gave Louie a key so he could let himself in. Later I realized he took advantage of it while I was at the hotel with my grandmother. He was staying at my apartment, my car broke down and I had to depend on Louie to take me to work. He was not reliable so I quit two weeks before my due date. Louie would always tell me my name is Louie, not Jesus! He would repeatedly tell me I was a hypocrite.

When my water broke, I woke Louie up and told him I was in labor. I asked him to help me put my socks on, he was hesitant. I thought I was going to have to wake La Freda and have her put my socks on.  Since Louie and I were without transportation called my dad and came and took me to the hospital.  Louie did not come to the hospital.

I was thanking God I was not in labor long because I was alone nobody was there for me and La Joy. I had her 13 minutes after I arrived at the hospital.   I kept waiting for Louie to come, but he did not. I called him and left messages. I was desperate to get in touch with Louie because I needed for him to bring a car seat and wanted him to be available to take us home when it was time to leave the hospital.  When he finally called me back, I was so frustrated with him.  Especially, after he told me he was in St. Charles Missouri I couldn’t believe he had left the apartment and had not bothered to come to the hospital to see me or his daughter.  I listed La Joy’s father was unknown on her birth certificate.

Louie came after La Joy and I had been home a couple of days. I was giving her a bath when he came.   She was crying and he said is that my baby, he came in the bedroom and looked at her. He said she looks like my son. Louie had made life miserable he spoiled La Joy. She did not sleep in her cradle only in his arms.

When I took, La Joy for a one-month checkup her stomach was very distended. I noticed she was struggling with bowel movements.  Her doctor sent us to cardinal Glennon to get some testing.  Before I went to Cardinal Glennon Emergency room for the test, I stopped by the apartment and got Louie. I told him he should sit and wait with me since he was La Joy’s parent too. They informed us they were going to have to operate. They had diagnosed La Joy as having Hirschsprung’s disease, a condition where the bowel muscles do not work properly. They told me I would have to stop feeding La Joy and I was breastfeeding. The first night La Joy spent at the hospital with Louie. I was so upset not being able to feed my baby. The next day the doctors agreed to let me feed La Joy five minutes every three hours. While La Joy was at the hospital all the nurses commented on how great Louie was. I told one of them about how he wanted me to have an abortion and he did not even come to the hospital when she was born.

I would go the chapel and pray. I thought about how David and Bathsheba had lost their first child. I was still married to Moses when I gave birth to La Joy. Louie was the one who was with La Joy when all the procedures were done. I could not stand to be in the room.  When results of the biopsy came back, it was discovered that La Joy did not need the surgery.  She was released from the hospital.

When Louie told me, he did not accept me. I snapped I was so hurt. I would throw stuff at him and we started fighting.   One night Louie was driving and he said something that made me mad. We were at a red light I slapped him in the face.  The next thing I knew I was in the on the floor.

For months I had allowed Louise to use me and given him money.  As I began to reflect on the situation, I realized Louie had received the first 20 dollars out of every check I got since I had met him. I had been tithing to the church of Louie, but I couldn’t pay my tithes at church. I refused to give God, His 10 percent.

When Louie and I went out to eat, I always paid of course. He had not helped pay a bill and had been at my apartment six months. He did not bring his stuff but he slept there most nights. I was having sex with him faithfully and not even flirting with other men.   I would allow Louie to borrow my car even when it was inconvenient.

Louie called the child abuse hotline on me because I did not clean up.  The child abuse investigator would not sit down when she came. She said my apartment was junky but it was not unhealthy.  I thought about how I did the things I thought good parents did.  I took my kids to the library and to the zoo. I bought them clothes and toys, but I realized I still was lacking as a parent.

I was stressed out because I was suffering from post-partum depression and I was facing eviction from my apartment.  We were taking La Joy to the doctor for her follow up since she was release from the hospital. Louie upset me with something he said. I pretended to drive the car over the edge of a three story-parking garage at Cardinal Glennon hospital. I got mad and walked off I left Louie with my keys, La Joy and my car. I walked for over an hour to Salvation Army. I talked with a staffer there she suggested I go to battered women shelter. I told her I was not abused, because I started the fights. She told me I was in denial.

               It that point in my life, I thought I knew what domestic violence was. I figured since I introduced physical violence into the relationship, I was not being abused. I didn’t realize I had experienced emotional and financial abuse.  I wish I could tell you after this experience I left Louie alone but that would not be the truth. The relationship had more trauma and drama.  The financial abuse and physical fighting stopped but the betrayal and dishonest were just getting started.

 

This unholy union caused me a lot of pain. I refer to as an unholy union because I was committing adultery. I was practicing idolatry because I refused to ask God if it was HIS will for Louie to be in my life. It created a soul tie,  that I am still to this day struggling to break.  The soul tie is much weaker than before but it’s still there.

 

Americorps Essay 2015

Published April 14, 2015 by syinly

I believe the best way to help the community is through sharing information. Basically education is the process of sharing information. When you educate a community you inspire that community. This realization I  came to during my college experience. College brought me out of ignorance and lead to self discovery. It was then I realized the power of education to change one’s life and attitude.

Even before college I knew I wanted to be an advocate for change. After reading about Christopher Harris death in the local newspaper. The article in the St. Louis Post –Dispatch angered me, I wanted to change society view of minorities. I realized media would be the best tool to use, and to really effect change I would have to educate others.

Being a part of the development staff for Inspire STL will allow me pursue my passion of sharing information to empower others. Americorps is a great leadership vehicle it provides opportunity for empowerment to individual (service members) and the community in which they serve.

As part of the development staff I will encourage those I am helping to make goals and a plan for accomplishing the program.  it will be  my mission to share information about the program to inspire people to give and volunteer.   I will gather information from community leaders and influences  to craft an effective message  to tell Inspire STL story.

Pro Life/ Pro Choice (Abortion ?)

Published April 13, 2015 by syinly

I have always considered myself pro-choice.  As I became older and began to explore Christianity I could identify more with pro-life.  I was still pro-choice but I had to admit I really begin to look at abortion as sin. I still maintain my pro- choice stance that is your God-given right to make the choice. God does not prevent us from sin he gave us free will.

I wish I could tell you I have never considered abortion, but I would be lying. With both my pregnancies that resulted in  my daughters I considered abortion. When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest – daughter I was a married college student. I was terrified how I could afford to take care of baby. My husband wanted me to have an abortion. I went to Dr. George Tiller clinic in Wichita, Kansas to get more information to make an informed decision about abortion. Outside the clinic pro-life protesters gave me some literature. I took it home and read it.

When I announced it was my body and my decision which I decided to have the baby my husband was upset.

At 29, I got pregnant with my second daughter. I was married, separated and dating a man I met at the college I worked at. My daughter’s father wanted me to have an abortion, I had previously agreed if I got pregnant I would have an abortion. He told me the timing was wrong and that we could have another baby.  I agreed to compromise if he paid for the abortion, I would get an abortion.  Yes, for a while I really did entertain the thought of having an abortion. I thought I have one child and I am struggling financially. How can I afford another child?  Then I decided be optimistic an say somehow it will all work out.

I did not  want to get an abortion but I was scared to tell him. I was trying to figure out how to avoid having an abortion. I was thankful he was asking to borrow money a few days before I was suppose go to the clinic because that meant he didn’t have the money for the abortion.

As I sat at an International Women’s  rally next to my beautiful intelligent daughter trying to explain a women’s right to abort. She said, Abortion is a stupid choice. Women are smart enough to know how to not get pregnant. There is birth control and absences.”

I thought I will no longer defend the right for women to make stupid choices why waste my time. I agree with the speaker that day and my daughter. Women are smart enough to decide. I understand in cases of sexual assault, that option should definitely be available. Our government should not have the right to regulate women bodies. Women should be smart enough to regulate their own bodies. Abortion should be an option but women can empower themselves to make choices where it’s not necessary unless for medical reasons or sexual assault.

Even with my Issues

Published November 24, 2014 by syinly

One of my favorite books by Dr. Wanda Turner is,  “Even with my Issues.” In the book she challenges individuals to start ministry where they are. She encourages her readers to feel they can still contribute in the midst of going thru.  ” 107 Ways to Give When You Have Nothing to Give” was written by Jana Gamble.  Ms. Gamble is a survivor and a overcomer.  She wrote the book after leaving an abusive relationship. I met Gamble at Dress for Success Midwest Professional Women’s Group. After reading her book I felt inspired to start volunteering. Which led to me discovering my passion to help people. I assisted several  people with growing their organization before starting Ladies of Inspiration Success. I was not really ready to launch LOIS but I felt compelled to  organize a domestic Violence awareness event in 2012.

After going through mental health issues, LOIS was put on the back burner. A friend I had met at women’s group  encouraged me to  focus on LOIS again. She shared with me that despite what ever I am going through. I need to push through.  God would bless me for doing what he has called me to do. It feels empowering to give back to others despite having been through domestic violence. I hope in sharing my story I encourage other women to move forward in what they are passionate about.

Our goal is make to make 50  personal hygiene baskets for women. Women are struggling with weight of the world. We just want to encourage them. I  have  benefited from resources in the community and now it is time for me  to encourage other women, by giving away baskets.

http://www.gofundme.com/gj2nqk

 

Steve Harvey’s Relationship book based on biblical princples

Published October 30, 2014 by syinly

Disney’s story of The Princess and Frog, is a classic example of Christian Love. In the story of The Princess of the Frog, Tiana discovers what we discover as Christians that Love is the truth,  and the truth will set you free.Princess Tiana is busy living her life when love finds her. She was working as waitress and saving money when Prince Naveen came to town.When She realized that she loved Prince Naveen and being  with him was worth sacrificing her dream. Through,  Tiana and  Prince Naveen we see an example of love. Do you want to know more about love? Read the bible.

The bible deals with several types of love, apage, eros, and  philly. To understand more about love explore the bible verse dealing with the topic. The bible clearly defines the different types of love.  Reading a bible written in plain english makes the concept of love easy to understand.

The bible is good relationship guide. Steve Harvey’s new relationship. Harvey’s ideas are based on biblical principles. Harvey does believe the biblical principle that a man should have accomplish something before he began to look for a mate. The bible shows us that it important for a man to be busy fulfilling his purpose.  In the book of Ruth , it tells how Boaz noticed Ruth in the field. He was busy with agricultural management when he noticed her.

Harvey believes a man does not have to achieve total career success but he must at least know his purpose before he can focus on a relationship. This idea is supported in the book of Samuel when David refused to marry King Saul daughter because he had nothing to offer. Once Saul stand he would accept 100 Philistine foreskins, David accomplished that feat and was awarded a bride. David’s career path was clear to him at this point. The prophet Samuel had already anointed him to become the next King. David was showing himself as skilled military man, he had already defeated Goliath.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 737 other followers