Today I was cleaning up and throwing away old papers. A couple of months ago I had a friend pull some old documents off some floppy disk I had. I was reading a letter I had written to my parents before I got married for the second time. I was explaining to my parents that I was getting remarried because my ex husband loved me unconditionally. I shared with them that when the married ended the first time I did not want to put in the effort to clean up the mess I had made and it was easier to divorce.
As I read the letter now I realized I wanted my husband to take God’s place in my life. I have been reading Michelle Mc Kinney Hammond again. She talkes about how in Genesis that part of the curse would be a woman’s desire to have a man. It has been my downfall as well. When I have not been in a relationship my whole focus is lack of relationship. When I was married I wanted my husband to fill that God sized hole. He wasn’t able too.
My desire for a man has ruled my life. I have spent money when I didn’t have to be with a man. I have taken off work. I have went through hell and high water. I have inconvenienced myself. Made a fool out of self put up with disrespectful treatment, verbally and psychically abuse just to have a relationship.
I have longed and searched for Boaz and Prince Charming when the bible says it is, “he who finds a wife that findeth a good thing”. When I was married I was Jezebel, Deliah, and Gomer. I was also Sarah, Racheal. When I was not married I was the woman at the well. I was like Leah in my approach to the well If I give you enough sex then you’ll love me. Leah’s lovemaking didn’t win Jacob’s heart. Love making didn’t win the woman at the well any hearts either.