Personal Letter

Today I was cleaning up and throwing away old papers. A couple of months ago I had a friend pull some old documents off some floppy disk I had.  I was reading a letter I had written to my parents before I got married for the second time. I was explaining to my parents that I was getting remarried because my ex husband loved me unconditionally.   I shared with them that when the married ended the first time I did not want to put in the effort to clean  up the mess I had made and it was easier to divorce.

As  I read the letter now I realized I wanted my husband to take God’s place in my life.  I have been reading  Michelle Mc Kinney Hammond again.  She talkes about how in Genesis that part of the curse would be a woman’s desire to have a  man.  It has been my downfall as well. When I have not been in a relationship my whole focus is lack of relationship. When  I was married  I wanted my husband to fill that God sized hole. He wasn’t able too.

My desire for a man has ruled my life. I have spent money when I didn’t have to be with a man. I have taken off work. I have went through hell and high water. I have inconvenienced myself. Made a fool out of self put up with disrespectful treatment, verbally and psychically abuse just to have a relationship.

I have longed and searched for Boaz and Prince Charming when the bible says it is, “he who finds a wife that findeth a good thing”.   When I was married I was Jezebel, Deliah, and Gomer. I was also Sarah, Racheal. When I was not married I was the woman at the well. I was like Leah in my approach to the well If I give you enough sex then you’ll love me. Leah’s lovemaking didn’t win Jacob’s heart.  Love making didn’t win the woman at the well any hearts either.

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