Love and Marriage (Weak Pillars Lack of understanding, lack of knowledge)

I use to love the theme song from the television show Married with Children. I could relate to the show because of the dysfunctional family. Like the Bundy’s I got married right out of high school. Once I got married my abusive behavior emerged. Like Michal I didn’t believe in my husband. When David openly praised the Lord she didn’t agree and thought he a fool. I didn’t realize how to be discreet like Abigail if I disagreed with him. My lack of discretion, knowledge and counsel hurt my husband.

My marriage toppled because it did not have a foundation. I was separated twice because I had strong desires to run away. Although I wanted to be with a man, I could not make an enduring commitment. Making a commitment is foundational. I loved my husband but I was not in love with him. There is a difference. I wanted him to improve the quality of my life and make me happy. Our relationship lacked the foundation of love. I did not love myself or know how to love anyone else.

Excerpt from The Big Block Goes on Top. Authors note names have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

I was dating Mike that I met a recovery dance. He was from East St. Louis. He was light with a jehri curl. I tired to talk him getting an apartment so we could live together I was sick of living with my mom. I did not believe I had enough money to get a place on own. Mrs. P my AA sponsor told me she did not think it would be a good idea to move in with a man. I should get married instead of just shacking up. Later, I found out Mike was living with another woman who was a crack addict, I didn’t find out until after I had went  spent money buying things for the apartment and paying the security deposit. I took the stuff back to venture and got my security deposit back.

At the church annual fashion show, I saw Moses. He was looking good on the runway in chocolate brown leather suit. The commenter had him blushing. After the fashion show, I could not believe Moses wanted to talk to me. I had been flirting with cute guys all day. I was on a high. Moses and I exchanged numbers.

On our first date, we walked around Forest park. It seemed like it took forever for Moses to kiss me. Moses and I would stay up talking all night on the phone. We spent most of our dates either hanging out in the Central West End or down town St. Louis. We would have lunch every Saturday at St. Louis Centre.

Before our dates, I would go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and the Library. Most of the time at the Library I would see homeless men. One homeless man was profiled in the River front Times. He would sit outside the library and draw.

After seeing Moses one Friday, night I was too cheap to catch a cab I accepted a ride for a stranger. He threatened to kill me. He took 20 dollars from my purse. I jumped out the truck. It was the first time I realized I was not immortal.

We dated for three months. Moses started telling he would marry me. I was in love with idea of being married. I loved him and I wanted to get out of my mom’s house. Moses wanted to get married on Valentine’s Day. I thought too many people would be at the courthouse that day. I decided February 7 would be better.

We were both so nervous when we went to get the marriage license. We agreed to meet downtown. I was walking and I saw Moses on the bus going the other direction. I told him I was nervous. The day we got married, I went to school as usual. My cousin Lala took me to the courthouse to get married. Moses and I met on the steps at the courthouse.

Lala was talking I was scared we would get thrown out of the courtroom. Moses best friend was the best man and he took pictures. The Honorable Daniel T Tillman officiated the ceremony. The judge asked me I if was sure I wanted to get married. I told him yes.

After we got married, we went to Mc Donald’s and then to red roof Inn to consummate our marriage. I did not even get to spend the night. I went back the hotel the next day after I got off work at Straubs. I worked in the deli department so I baked a Ham and took it with me.

My Dad called me to wish me a happy valentines day. During the conversation, he told me, my mom and he were going to court over child support. I blurted out to him I was married. We were supposed to keep it a secret. Moses and I spent Valentines Day hanging out like usual. I got mad at him and ripped up the card I got him for Valentines Day. He had a panic attack. This was the most serve one he had since we had met.

He told my mom and she told me I needed to live with my husband. My Dad took Moses and me to pizza hut so he could meet his son-in-law. The waitress wanted to play in Moses hair. He told her you have to ask my wife.

At choir rehearsal, one of the members asked me if I was playing on his phone. I said no. I had called his house to remind him of choir rehearsal. I was the youth choir secretary. He kept insisting if I were playing on the phone, he would find out. I told him I had fine light-skinned husband what would I want with his dark self. Then he made some comment about how I was disrespectful to my mom and he was not like that. I cussed him out and then his mom I had some comment. I told her I would whop her fat ass too. The choir director told me to calm down. I cussed him out too. My mom had to drag me out the church. I told Moses what happen. He was more upset that, I confessed I was married, than about me cussing out folks in church.

Moses and I was apartment searching for a month. My Grandma Helen suggested we try and rent a room. Moses and I found studio apartment in March. He cooked spaghetti the first night. He told me I was going to have to learn how to cook. He did not want to move in at first he wanted to continue to stay with his aunt. After the first week, he decided to start moving his things in. It was adjustment for me living with him. I had never really had to share the bathroom and living space. I taught myself how to cook.

For my 20th birthday, Moses gave me the wedding ring he had made for me. I was youth day chairperson at our church. I thought it was interesting the youth day chairperson was a married woman. Moses wanted to return to college in Kansas. I did not want to go because I was going to get money from vocational rehabilitation in addition to other grants, if I went to college in Missouri. I tired flunking out of college to stop Moses. He insisted we go. I did not want to be the hoe that followed Moses to Kansas in his family’s eyes. I told him he needed to tell his family we were married. He said his family would be disappointed we got married at the courthouse with out them knowing.

One night we got into a heated argument about letting his family know we where married and he shoved me. I was shocked and hurt. I ran out of our apartment and ran down the street. I called my mother she and my stepfather came to get me. She told me I should leave because if I went back that would not be the last time I hit me. I decided to go back we started planning a big church wedding. I maxed out my visa card buying stuff for the wedding ceremony. I said I would take it all back.

We went for one pre marital session at our church. The pastor seemed to be leading toward telling us not to get married. He said we were like fire and Ice. I told Moses to tell him after that the pastor thought I was pregnant. We told him we were already married. That my family knew already but Moses family did not. I knew the marriage was a mistake, but since we were already really married. July 25th was “the show” as I called our wedding ceremony at the church.

My cousin Lala was the maid of honor. She took me to get my hair done before the wedding. It was suppose to be her gift to me. The beauty shop looked okay. I got perm a when she took me to wash the  relaxer out; I knew things were not too good. It looked like an abandon building with a whole in roof where I could see birds. The stylist cut my hair before she put the perm on. I felt like my head was on fire. It hurt all evening; I had to pay for the hairstyle. Later I found out Lala took me because the lady owed her a redo for missing up a hair before.

We were an hour late to the wedding. The pastor had to catch a plane so I did not have time to put on my makeup. I had stopped and got IMO’s pizza on the way to the church. The pastor came to the dressing room to get some pizza. I had to the wear my mom’s lipstick, because I did not have time to put on my makeup. I remember thinking when we recited the vows I need to do better. I did not feel I was trying to fulfill my vows. After the pastor pronounced us, man and wife Moses started walking out without me. I grabbed the ring bearer and walked with him. The reception was boring most of our guests were senior citizens.

When I realized how many gifts and how much money we had received. I was so excited we went out to dinner at Calicos. After dinner in our studio apartment, Lala and the best man were attempting to consummate their passion. I guess they were confused about whose wedding night it was. I put on my teddy and called Moses in the bathroom thinking he would tell Lala and the best man to get out. He went back in and started watching television. I then realize my hair was falling out.

At church an older couple told us they saw and getting off the bus and I had ran off and left Moses. I did not realize it was a foreshadowing that I would constantly be trying to leave him.

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