Relationship Drama/ Trauma

          I was reading a Facebook post by a young lady. What she was expressing seemed like a scene from my life. My response was not what it should have been, but I felt so emotional. I am still dealing with trauma from my own relationship. It breaks my heart to see other women go through similar experiences. I wish I could just talk with them and say look I have suffered, just listen to me and don’t know have too. You also could just read Terry Mc Millian novel disappearing acts or watch the movie. I don’t tell the whole story, but I believe this long expert will give you just of what was going on. Here’s my story… Louie mentioned he had recorded Terry Mc Millian’s Disappearing Acts. I was excited because now I had something I could talk to him about. I told him to bring, so I could watch. The next time I saw them, he didn’t bring the movie. I asked him for his number so I could call and remind him. I would drive over Louie’s every night. He made me feel attractive. I did not like to clean up, and Louie’s apartment was clean. The nights I did not want to go La Freda wanted to go to watch cable television. Amadeus would talk to me every opportunity he got told me to leave Louie alone or get divorced and marry him. Most times, it was to leave him alone and go back to my husband. In May graduation weekend, Louie uninvited me to his college graduation. Previously he had invited me now he uninvited me. Since I worked at the school, I could attend graduation regardless. It was around, this time, told my god sister, Louie and I were having unprotected sex. I was buying a pregnancy test every month. She told me to get on birth control; I kept coming up with excuses for not going the Planned Parenthood clinic. In April, I was disappointed that I was not pregnant. In July, I went to the clinic, the doctor warned me about the dangers of unprotected sex. The pregnancy test came back negative. About a week later, I purchased a home pregnancy test at Walgreen’s. I was pregnant. I had not thought about how my pregnancy would affect anybody. My AA sponsor suggested I get an abortion because I should not hurt Moses anymore. Louie wanted me to have an abortion. I had agreed at the start of our relationship, if I got pregnant, I would have an abortion. I did not want to, and I knew Louie did not want me to have the baby. I informed Louie; I was not paying for an abortion so if he wanted me to have one he was going to have to pay for it. I went to birthright for counseling because I was scared Louie would be upset, and I was not sure how he was going to Love -handle me telling him I didn’t want to have any abortion. I was relieved when I realized he didn’t have any money because he was asking me for money a few days before I was supposed to go to the clinic. I had moved into a bigger apartment, and I gave Louie a key so he could let himself in. Later I realized he took advantage of it while I was at the hotel with my grandmother. He was staying at my apartment; my car broke down, and I had to depend on Louie to take me to work. He was not reliable, so I quit two weeks before my due date. Louie would always tell me my name is Louie, not Jesus! He would repeatedly tell me I was a hypocrite. When my water broke, I woke Louie up and told him I was in labor. I asked him to help me put my socks on; he was hesitant. I thought I was going to have to wake La Freda and have her put my socks on. Since Louie and I were without transportation called my dad and came and took me to the hospital. Louie did not come to the hospital. I was thanking God I was not in labor long because I was alone, nobody was there for me and La Joy. I had her 13 minutes after I arrived at the hospital. I kept waiting for, Louie to come, but he did not. I called him and left messages. I was desperate to get in touch with Louie because I needed for him to bring a car seat and wanted him to be available to take us home when it was time to leave the hospital. When he finally called me back, I was so frustrated with him. Especially, after he told me he was in St. Charles Missouri, I couldn’t believe he had left the apartment and had not bothered to come to the hospital to see me or his daughter. I listed La Joy’s father was unknown on her birth certificate. Louie came after La Joy, and I had been home a couple of days. I was giving her a bath when he came. She was crying, and he said is that my baby, he came into the bedroom and looked at her. He said she looks like my son. Louie had made life miserable he spoiled La Joy. She did not sleep in her cradle only in his arms. When I took, La Joy for a one-month checkup, her stomach was very distended. I noticed she was struggling with bowel movements. Her doctor sent us to Cardinal Glennon to get some testing. Before I went to the Cardinal Glennon Emergency room for the test, I stopped by the apartment and got Louie. I told him he should sit and wait with me since he was La Joy’s parent too. They informed us they were going to have to operate. They had diagnosed La Joy as having Hirschsprung’s disease, a condition where the bowel muscles do not work correctly. They told me I would have to stop feeding La Joy, and I was breastfeeding. The first night La Joy spent at the hospital with Louie. I was so upset not being able to feed my baby. The next day the doctors agreed to let me feed La Joy five minutes every three hours. While La Joy was at the hospital, all the nurses commented on how great Louie was. I told one of them about how he wanted me to have an abortion, and he did not even come to the hospital when she was born. I would go to the chapel and pray. I thought about how David and Bathsheba had lost their first child. I was still married to Moses when I gave birth to La Joy. Louie was the one who was with La Joy when all the procedures occurred. I could not stand to be in the room. When the results of the biopsy came back, it was discovered that La Joy did not need the surgery. The hospital doctors released her. When Louie told me, he did not accept me. I snapped I was so hurt. I would throw stuff at him and we started fighting. One night Louie was driving and he said something that made me mad. We were at a red light I slapped him in the face. The next thing I knew I was in the on the floor. For months, I had allowed Louise to use me and given him money. As I began to reflect on the situation, I realized Louie had received the first 20 dollars out of every check I got since I had met him. I had been tithing to the church of Louie, but I couldn’t pay my tithes at church. I refused to give God, His 10 percent. When Louie and I went out to eat, I always paid of course. He had not helped pay a bill and had been at my apartment six months. He did not bring his stuff, but he slept there most nights. I was having sex with him faithfully and not even flirting with other men. I would allow Louie to borrow my car even when it was inconvenient. Louie called the child abuse hotline on me because I did not clean up. The child abuse investigator would not sit down when she came. She said my apartment was junky but it was not unhealthy. I thought about how I did the things I thought good parents did. I took my kids to the library and to the zoo. I bought them clothes and toys, but I realized I still was lacking as a parent. I was stressed out because I was suffering from post-partum depression and I was facing eviction from my apartment. We were taking La Joy to the doctor for her follow up since she was released from the hospital. Louie upset me with something he said. I pretended to drive the car over the edge of a three story parking garage at the Cardinal Glennon Hospital. I got mad and walked off I left Louie with my keys, La Joy, and my car. I walked for over an hour to the Salvation Army. I talked to a staffer there she suggested I go to a battered women’s shelter. I told her I was not abused because I started the fights. She told me I was in denial. It that point in my life, I thought I knew what domestic violence was. I figured since I introduced physical violence into the relationship, I was not being abused. I didn’t realize I had experienced emotional and financial abuse. I wish I could tell you after this experience I left Louie alone, but that would not be the truth. The relationship had more trauma and drama. The financial abuse and physical fighting stopped, but the betrayal and dishonesty were just getting started. This unholy union caused me a lot of pain. I refer to as an unholy union because I was committing adultery. I was practicing idolatry because I refused to ask God if it was HIS will for Louie to be in my life. It created a soul tie, that I am still to this day struggling to break. The soul tie is much weaker than before, but it’s still there.

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