I have written several posts about domestic violence. Recently it was suggested in group therapy that I reflect on my most painful moments. For some of the domestic violence overcomers, the painful moments don’t involve any physical abuse. I was going to say they didn’t involve violence, but abuse is violence.
According to webster’s definition violence not the just exertion of force, injury, but can be a vehement feeling or expression. The emotional abuse I suffered growing, I feel it groomed me for domestic violence in adult relationships. The emotional abuse in the form criticism, being negative, name-calling, yelling and punishment. Had created an attitude where low self -esteem lack of joy and peace, where the norm.
The majority of my relationships in adult life has been abusive. Each relationship had some painful moments, psychical pain still for an instant, but emotional pain hurts much longer. The first time my husband (Moses) hit me. I was so shocked and hurt. I didn’t expect him to respond like that. The next most painful moment was when I realized he lied to my step- mother. He knew we had a complicated relationship, and I was trying to find common ground with her. I felt betrayed, and that really hurt. I felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore. The reason I stayed was because I felt like Moses unconditionally accepted me. After he lied to Edy about my burning his hand, it caused me to question his feelings.
During my relationship with Louie, I allowed a lot of unacceptable behavior. I became a doormat being too thoughtful and kind). After La Joy was born, and he told me, he didn’t respect me. I lost it. I was so hurt and angry. I became enraged and started being abusive psychically to him.
In my most recent abusive relationship with Joe, I ignored the red flags. I think the first time he knocked me down. I was terrified of him after that, and it was no hiding it. Before that, I felt like I could hide I was scared of him or at least I was in denial. I think the last two times I saw him. The second to last time, I saw him, one minute he was talking about giving me money and allowing me to stay in the rental house. He planned to purchase property rental. He stated if I were accepted for section 8 he would rent to me. He was violating my boundaries ( snatching my bank statement and reading it) Then he started talking about how I was hiding stuff from him and deceitful. I thought how he could go from being so caring one moment and seeming so hate filled. The next time I saw him, he was very intimidating. A ten-minute ride was the longest ride. I was scared and angry. Breaking the silence is allowing me to get my voice back.