Dear God (May 2015-May 2016)

Dear GodDear God,

You know I don’t pray. Never have prayed a lot. I have always dreaded prayer meeting. I have no idea how to pray for hours. I wouldn’t know what to say. When I was little, I said foxhole prayers. As a young girl, I would pray ” God don’t let my watch stop working because I got it wet. God don’t let me have any D’S on my report card, so I don’t have to get a whooping.

My mother taught me a couple of prayers and encouraged me to pray before I went to bed/ I never really thought about asking YOU for stuff. My prayers were always for God to bless everyone but me.
At 13 years old I agreed to a sexual favor even though I knew it was against your will, and I didn’t want to do it yet, I consented and more happened than I realized. I did it because I was desperate for acceptance and attention. Afterwards, I felt abandoned; I was distraught. I became despondent after the incident and each day I woke up I was disappointed when I realized I was alive another day. I finally asked YOU to help me.
YOU did, I had a desire to love again, but I was not happy. I carried guilt and shame for decades about decisions I made during my teenage years.

During my lifetime, I have said the Lord’s prayer a lot. I have said the serenity prayer. I have asked the short version F***it a couple of times too.

As and adult, I discovered the prayer of Jabez after my mother gave me a book by Bruce Wilkerson to read. I could relate to Jabez. His name means great pain. My childhood was painful I experience abandonment, sexual emotional, and physical abuse.

My experiences groomed me for domestic violence. I became verbally, emotional and physically abusive to my family. The biblical heroine I can relate to is the woman at the well.  She looked to men to be her Salvation.  Eventually,  the woman  at the well met you and followed you.  I am stuck.

In 30’s I dated a man who told me my name is Louie,  not Jesus.  I know you want me to seek and trust you.  I still desire to find and trust a man.  Currently,  I  still find  myself obessing over an abusive man.  I don’t  talk to him anymore.  I wanted to trust him,  but because  of our history,  I am unable too.  I’m  scared of you,  God.  I have been scared  since  I heard step  three at 18 years old.  I can accept that my life is unmanageable but making a decision to turn my life and my will over to YOU.  I’m  scared you won’t allow me to have the things I want.  I struggle with believing you when you said  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I don’t  want to feel any emotions.  I want things to change  without doing the work.  I can’t  be content in denial like I was before.  I know you have called me to empower women  in some way.  I can’t  figure out how  to empower myself.  I need to ask you,  God, to help me.

Ly Syin

 

Originally this post was a private Dear God letter.  I was involved with women’s empowerment organization. We used the text Alice Walker’s  The Color Purple. I volunteered to share my letter with aa group. I realized I was not ready to read the letter but I still desire to share it. It has been revised several times since it was originally written in May of 2015.  Some of the revisions were related to it being public instead of private. Other revision because of the growth I experience. I read the book  The Color Purple during this process and I also watched the film. I was reluctant to do both. Celie’s Dear God letters inspired my transparency. I got rid the formally and attempted to relate to God as I would a friend. 

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