I was blessed to see Then She Screamed a theatrical production where women talked about issues women face. There bits and pieces of each monologue that resonated with me. The working title of my monologue would be self-hate.
God, I didn’t believe you were there. You know my world seem to start falling apart around my twelveth birthday. I felt lonely; I had started Holman middle school, and the transition didn’t go well. I didn’t dress like my peers. I didn’t seem to have same fashionable style most black girls had. I didn’t have friends. I felt I didn’t fit in. Classmates told me was too depressing because I shared about my relationship with my mother. My relationship with my mother was unhealthy. My dad was absent during this period. I took an overdose because my life felt out of control. Two years later I traumatized myself even more by consenting to a sexual act. The consequences were greater than I expected. I was ostracized by peers, and I went into a severe depression. Finally, I called out to you God for help. I was still depressed. I wore mainly black for next four years to show my remorse. In high school I would put on my makeup, but after I got out the house I always saw some who looked better than me. So I stopped trying.
I decided to compromise I had though I was waiting for a loving relationship to have sex. I decided to forget all that and lost my virginity. I was disappointed with sex, but I continued to get involved in sexual relationships. I was longing for affection. It seemed I was giving the other person what I wanted. I was scared to say no. I feared being raped, so I was always giving in. I skipped school to have sex. I missed work to have sex. I was willing to get into trouble to have sex.
I dated ugly guys because I didn’t think I was pretty enough to date attractive guys. I tolerated emotional abuse from a guy because I thought he was attractive. He would always tell me I didn’t have the I Q of a goldfish.
At nineteen I got married, I thought being married would solve my problems. I thought I didn’t have to be promiscuous anymore. I could have all the sex I wanted with my husband, and God won’t be upset with me. I thought I could focus on God because I was not fornicating I felt my husband loved me unconditionally. I didn’t love me. I repeated the behavior I had seen growing up, the male bashing and verbal abuse.
I realized after three months that my husband was abusive. I was devasted, I figured I didn’t deserve better, and I stayed. Until I realized, I was pregnant. I left him. I moved across town and began dating my neighbor.
My neighbor and I dated, broke up and became friends with benefits. On and off for next twenty years I tried to get back with my ex-husband. He was my cheerleader
At one point we remarried because I wanted an extra income so I could get a house.
I jumped in relationship after relationship. I was obsessed with getting married again. I wanted a man. I had to have one at any cost. I tried to buy men. Of course, I never said no when they asked for sex. I thought I could sex them into marrying me.
Of the years, I continued to get in abusive relationships. I thought a man had to be controlling to be strong. I would appreciate the control for a while. Then I would resent the control.
Despite all the time I spent trying to get a man. I wouldn’t comb my hair. I thought I was ugly, so it didn’t. I figured it was too much effort. I thought I didn’t do a good job so why to bother. I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth. I would take a bath. I realized I didn’t like to smell. When I was younger I had been told I was dark, ugly, stupid, and a fool. My paternal grandma always uses to say don’t make no sense to put a hundred dollar hat on a ten cents ass. I always thought I was a ten cent ass.
I didn’t really start reading the bible till I was in my late 20’s. I didn’t know that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Never thought I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I knew of the 23rd Psalms, but being in poverty, I thought God must not care about helping me.
Currently thinking it’s time to have that talk the one I have been avoiding for years