My monologue ( Self -Hate)

I was blessed to see Then She Screamed a theatrical production where women talked about issues women face. There bits and pieces of each monologue that resonated with me. The working title of my monologue would be self-hate.

God, I didn’t believe you were there. You know my world seem to start falling apart around my twelveth birthday. I felt lonely; I had started Holman middle school, and the transition didn’t go well. I didn’t dress like my peers. I didn’t seem to have same fashionable style most black girls had. I didn’t have friends. I felt I didn’t fit in. Classmates told me was too depressing because I shared about my relationship with my mother. My relationship with my mother was unhealthy. My dad was absent during this period. I took an overdose because my life felt out of control. Two years later I traumatized myself even more by consenting to a sexual act. The consequences were greater than I expected. I was ostracized by peers, and I went into a severe depression. Finally, I called out to you God for help. I was still depressed. I wore mainly black for next four years to show my remorse. In high school I would put on my makeup, but after I got out the house I always saw some who looked better than me. So I stopped trying.

I decided to compromise I had though I was waiting for a loving relationship to have sex. I decided to forget all that and lost my virginity. I was disappointed with sex, but I continued to get involved in sexual relationships. I was longing for affection. It seemed I was giving the other person what I wanted. I was scared to say no. I feared being raped, so I was always giving in. I skipped school to have sex. I missed work to have sex. I was willing to get into trouble to have sex.

I dated ugly guys because I didn’t think I was pretty enough to date attractive guys. I tolerated emotional abuse from a guy because I thought he was attractive. He would always tell me I didn’t have the I Q of a goldfish.

At nineteen I got married, I thought being married would solve my problems. I thought I didn’t have to be promiscuous anymore. I could have all the sex I wanted with my husband, and God won’t be upset with me. I thought I could focus on God because I was not fornicating I felt my husband loved me unconditionally. I didn’t love me. I repeated the behavior I had seen growing up, the male bashing and verbal abuse.

I realized after three months that my husband was abusive. I was devasted, I figured I didn’t deserve better, and I stayed. Until I realized, I was pregnant. I left him. I moved across town and began dating my neighbor.

My neighbor and I dated, broke up and became friends with benefits. On and off for next twenty years I tried to get back with my ex-husband. He was my cheerleader

At one point we remarried because I wanted an extra income so I could get a house.

I jumped in relationship after relationship. I was obsessed with getting married again. I wanted a man. I had to have one at any cost. I tried to buy men. Of course, I never said no when they asked for sex. I thought I could sex them into marrying me.

Of the years, I continued to get in abusive relationships. I thought a man had to be controlling to be strong. I would appreciate the control for a while. Then I would resent the control.

Despite all the time I spent trying to get a man. I wouldn’t comb my hair. I thought I was ugly, so it didn’t. I figured it was too much effort. I thought I didn’t do a good job so why to bother. I didn’t wash my face or brush my teeth. I would take a bath. I realized I didn’t like to smell. When I was younger I had been told I was dark, ugly, stupid, and a fool. My paternal grandma always uses to say don’t make no sense to put a hundred dollar hat on a ten cents ass. I always thought I was a ten cent ass.

I didn’t really start reading the bible till I was in my late 20’s. I didn’t know that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Never thought I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I knew of the 23rd Psalms, but being in poverty, I thought God must not care about helping me.

Currently thinking it’s time to have that talk the one I have been avoiding for years

Unfinished

WE WIN! With His Blessings

This is from a personal email I received in July 2004 from my friend. I hope her words encourage. She was a wonderful mother, wife, sister and phenomenal writer.

Ly Syn…

It sounds like you are going thru a bad patch as well. Why were you living with a drug addict? Where are you living now? Is your car still holding out okay? Have you been able to find work?

I have no way of knowing all of the things that you are going thru, but I can only imagine that it must become frustrating at times. This life is truly fascinating. Just as you figure that you might have a handle on it…it may seem that the rules change. But, actually, they have not. It’s only our perception that changes. I’m convinced that if we can manage to keep our vision focused on the Lord, things would flow much smoothly for us. But, alas, that may appear to be impossible to do, when actually it isn’t. It is a matter of putting our self aside. Denying ourselves daily. I know this may prove difficult if you are living in a shelter and straining hard to put food in your babies’ mouths, but God did say that He would provide us with everything that we need if we abide in Him…if we remember to put Him first at all times. To many this may sound like a God that is narcissistic, but truly it isn’t. He asks that we put Him first in our lives only because He knows what is best for us.

‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

(Jer 29:11) 

This is truly beautiful to me. That He has plans not to harm us, but for good things for us. We all must run this course, finish this race, and hopefully, for many of us we will obtain it with honor, faithfulness and glory to God as our crowning achievement. I know not the reason that God has allowed the current road that I am traveling upon in my life to exist, but I do know that He loves me, and that no matter what He is always here, that He will never leave me, and He knows every pain, every hurt, every single tear that I shed. He provides me with all the necessary tools that are needed to continue. I praise Him for this very reason…and hope that He will show me how to praise Him in all things.

He will do the very same for you, Ly Syn, don’t give up hope, continue to seek Him, continue to hold Him first in your life. We may not know much about this road and all other roads that we may encounter thru out our lives here on earth…but we know how they end.

WE WIN!

With

His Blessings,

Rena  

-“Chasing the brightest   in the Heavens…the bright Morning Star

(ref. Rev.22:16)

Psalm 140:11

From Email forward in 2008

Let not an evil speaker be established in the earth: evil shall bunt the violent man to overthrow him.
The committee was worried. They had elected a new chairperson who was becoming vocal about some very unpopular ideas. People were getting the idea that the committee endorsed these ideas, just because the new chair so freely shared them. Some of his ideas were quite biased and offensive. Quick action was being taken to replace him, but the damage done was almost too great to measure.
The words of our mouth are powerful weapons. We can do great good by a few well-placed words, or we can wreak destruction. The words of an evil person spread like a cancer. However, the words spoken by righteous men and women can be our greatest source of healing. Be careful how you speak, for you hold great power and responsibility within your words.
Prayer:
Guide the words I speak, Lord. Spice them with Your love and concern. Make my speech a joy to others, not a burden. Steer me away from evil, I pray. Amen.

“We must be the change we want to see in the world.” —Gandhi

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” -Aldous Huxley

THE POWER OF ONE SENTENCE

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He’ll catch you when you fall, or He’ll teach you how to fly!’

 

 

Found in a forwarded email from March 2008

Do You Have Time for God?

Dear Lil Kim

First of all, I want to congratulate you on all you have accomplished. You are a beautiful, creative, talented woman. Who ever told you different was lying. Scripture does not lie, and it’s you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God did not lie to you are me.

I understand Lil Kim is a persona you constructed. Kimberly Jones needs you. Proverbs is real Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Believe me, as a dark skinned sister I understand. I have empathy and sympathy for the hurt the delusion that being dark is bad causes. I am dealing with some of the same issues you. For ourselves and our daughters, we must heal.

A woman unintentionally instilled in me the belief that I was ugly. Kim, I was the ugly duckling in my family. We have to remember at the end of the story the ugly duckling was comparing itself to the wrong species. Yes, swans make ugly ducklings, but they are beautiful Swans.

When I was growing up, I felt too dark, which translated to unpretty. In middle school, I wanted to bleach my skin. I even told my father I was upset because I was dark and it was his fault. I struggled with my skin tone because my maternal grandmother called me “spook.” My paternal grandmother tried to convince me that my skin tone was beautiful and that I was beautiful. I didn’t believe her. I know colourism is a huge issue in our ethnic community. In the days of slavery, colourism was used as a tactic to separate.

Growing up in America it’s easy to feel pressure to accept unrealistic beauty standards. Sometimes we are taught the more Eurocentric looking, the better. I know during middle school I was obsessed with Marilyn Monore I read many books about her. She was a construct she was born Norma Jean Baker. Despite all the money invested in outward appearance, she was miserable. It had no value to her, and she still did not obtain the acceptance she was seeking.

Dealing with misogynistic men only fueled that belief. In my life, the devil has used misogynist to distract me from my purpose. I think he may be doing the same with you. I know in the movie Notorious it dealt with some of the abuse you have faced. In TV One series Unsung, it talked about how you have suffered injuries. After watching the episode, I believe some of the plastic surgery was just to cover the injuries you sustained.

Historically black women have been devalued. Sojourner Truth addressed this issue in her Ain’t I am Woman commentary. Malcolm X encourage a dialogue about the value of Black ( African- American) women. Decades later Hip Hop’s misogynist influence is not helping value the black women.

Recently I meet a dark skinned elegant beauty woman, and she shared her story of discovering she was a beauty woman with me. Today I am learning to embrace my looks. I am ok with being dark skinned. My skin isn’t that bad. I frequently get compliments on my complexion and comments that I am youthful looking.

Kim, we are blessed we know Jesus. Marilyn didn’t have a clue. I know you know Jesus because despite your raunchy lyrics you are serially monogamous. You have not had negative press about having a bad attitude.

I hope you heal and share your journey through your music.

Love

Syinly

Dear God (May 2015-May 2016)

Dear God,

You know I don’t pray. Never have prayed a lot. I have always dreaded prayer meetings. I have no idea how to pray for hours. I wouldn’t know what to say. When I was little, I said foxhole prayers. As a young girl, I prayed, ” God don’t let my watch stop working because I got it wet. God, don’t let me have any D’S on my report card, so I don’t have to get a whooping.

My mother taught me a couple of prayers and encouraged me to pray before I went to bed/ I never really thought about asking YOU for stuff. My prayers were always for God to bless everyone but me.
At 13 years old, I agreed to a sexual favor even though I knew it was against your will, and I didn’t want to do it yet; I consented, and more happened than I realized.

I did it because I was desperate for acceptance and attention. Afterward, I felt abandoned; I was distraught. I became despondent after the incident, and each day I woke up, I was disappointed when I realized I was alive another day. I finally asked YOU to help me. YOU did, I desired to live again, but I was not happy. I carried guilt and shame for decades about decisions I made during my teenage years.

During my lifetime, I have said the Lord’s prayer a lot. I have said the serenity prayer. I have asked the short version F***it a couple of times too.

As an adult, I discovered the prayer of Jabez after my mother gave me a book by Bruce Wilkerson to read. I could relate to Jabez. His name means excellent pain. My childhood was painful. I experience abandonment, sexual emotional, and physical abuse.

My  childhood experiences groomed me for domestic violence. I became verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to my family. The biblical heroine I can relate to is the woman at the well.  She looked to men to be her Salvation.  Eventually,  the woman  at the well met you and followed you.  I am stuck.

In 30’s I dated a man who told me my name is Louie,  not Jesus.  I know you want me to seek and trust you.  I still desire to find and trust a man.  Currently,  I  still find  myself obsessing over an abusive man.  I don’t  talk to him anymore.  I wanted to trust him,  but because  of our history,  I am unable too.  I’m  scared of you,  God.  I have been scared  since  I heard step  three at 18 years old.  I can accept that my life is unmanageable but making a decision to turn my life and my will over to YOU.  I’m  scared you won’t allow me to have the things I want.  I struggle with believing you when you said  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I don’t  want to feel any emotions.  I want things to change  without doing the work.  I can’t  be content in denial like I was before.  I know you have called me to empower women  in some way.  I can’t  figure out how  to empower myself.  I need to ask you,  God, to help me.

Ly Syin

Originally this post was a private Dear God letter.  I was involved with women’s empowerment organization. We used the text Alice Walker’s  The Color Purple. I volunteered to share my letter with the group. I realized I was not ready to read the letter but I still desire to share it. It has been revised several times since it was originally written in May of 2015.  Some of the revisions were related to it being public instead of private. Other revision because of the growth I experience. I read the book  The Color Purple during this process and I also watched the film. I was reluctant to do both. Celie’s Dear God letters inspired my transparency. I got rid the formally and attempted to relate to God as I would a friend. 

Dear God

Dear God,

It’s been a while since I wrote in my “Dear God journal”, but I have been constantly hearing to seek you first and pray I have been in denial saying you aren’t speaking to me. When in reality you are practically screaming at me. Today I was talking about getting a  part-time retail job is not a praise God thing.

Yes, it’s something to be thankful for but nothing to get overly excited about. I realized that I am not grateful. I know I have been a bad steward for years. My thinking has been this is nice but this isn’t a big

Lord, I was watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman today. When I first saw the movie I left I could relate.  I thought I can still relate. Like Helen, I put a man before you. Like the main character, I have been in abusive relationships. I have allowed men to convince me to isolate. I have allowed them to control my finances. I didn’t believe I was capable. I never had believed I was capable. Ever since I realized I didn’t want to live with my family at 19 years old, I never thought I could make it on my own. In 2013, I didn’t believe I could make on my own. I refused to trust you to provide an answer. I have been trying to walk the fence for a long time. Now It’s time for me to decide which side I am really on.

God, you know my heart, better than I do. You know for years I have harbored jealousy and hatred and how it has hurt me and I didn’t even realize it. I really did drink poison thinking it was going to hurt others. You know how I have turned my back on my children because that is easier than fighting for them.

You know how anxious conflict makes and that I am passive aggressive. I see my oldest daughter becoming just like me in some ways. Her priorities are not in order. She has some immaturity. I see myself being like my parents wanting to control. I know that is not my place. My youngest daughter feels abandoned. I don’t want to deal with it.

God, I need a warrior spirit. I need to be battling and I am trying to hide.

God, I need a vocation, not a job. I am wondering about being a writer? It’s the career I wanted before but I couldn’t figure out how to make it happened. I wanted to do Professional Administrative Support Services to make money and enable to me to do the book. I know have 2 books I want to write. One I have started, one in the outline phase that I need to research. I have titles for some other books.

Lord, I am still questioning my ability?

Lord, I realize I have gotten involved with abusive men because I believed they could cover me. I gravitate towards controlling relationships because I believe they allowed me to be irresponsible. I thought it absolved me of responsibility but in reality, it doesn’t. You will still hold me accountable.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

In 2015, I wrote a series of Dear God letters after attending a woman’s Empowerment Luncheon. I have been asked to share one of my letters publicly at an event this spring. This is the second Dear God letter I have shared publicly. I hope that my transparency is a blessing to someone.

God’s Permissible Will

Recently I shared my opinion on whether  Christians should have tattoos. I know lay Christians with tattoos as well as a minister and even bishops. Some had tattoos before they embraced the faith, and some have gotten tattoos afterwards. Leviticus 19:28 has this to say on the issue” Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD. ”  My interpretation of that is God is not in support of tattoos.  His permissible will allows tattoos just like it allows divorce. I have never gotten a tattoo, but I have been divorced twice. I thank God for his mercy. As I was thinking about the should Christians get tattoos. I thought to me what matters more than Christian appearance is Christian action. I believe Christian behavior will have more of an impact than appearance ever could.

I admit it is easy to judge people with tattoos but scripture warns use Mathew 7:3,”Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye?” Tattoos are visible, but there are so many other sins we commit against our flesh like gluttony, fornication, adultery, drinking and drugging.

No sin goes without consequences even with God’s permissible will. God will enable us to handle the consequences and be there for us as we endure. Divorce is painful because soul ties are broken. It affects every area of your life. With tattoos, their is pain upon application.  There is risk of allergic relations,  youthful remorse, not to mention another health risk.

Both divorce and tattoos have roots in idolatry. “Idolatry is a matter of the heart—pride, self-centeredness, greed, gluttony, a love for possessions and ultimately rebellion against God.” Read more:http://www.gotquestions.org/idolatry-definition.html#ixzz3GovZJ7LH

Self-centeredness and pride destroy more marriages. Getting a tattoo is rebelling against God, but all other acts that dishonor his will are doing the same thing.

As much I want to believe my body belongs to me I have to admit it on loan from God. It’s not mine. If I lent a friend my car, I would expect them to take off it. Not to just treat it any kind of way. If I borrowed my friend’s car, I would drive with caution because I would like to return it in good condition. I would mark it up with a permanent marker.

God’s word is cutting me today because I have not treated His property well.

Don’t trip (politically incorrect) God Ain’t through wit me yet!

I debated about this post, then I thought about what to title it. My first idea was Being REAL. Then I thought about Steve Harvey’s title when he was asked to provide comedic entertainment at Megafest, “ Don’t Trip God Ain’t through wit me yet.” I thought that feels right cause if I say something that offends someone in this post. It’s not out of malice.  Just pray for me.  I wanted to talk about those things I think that we usually suggest don’t have those conversations in public. Then I thought what if my sharing my ignorance honestly lead to some growth. It’s worth the risk. Since officer Darren  Wilson killed Mike Brown, I  have talked more about racism and prejudice. Today I decided to explore some of my prejudice ideas.

 A few weeks ago I got into a discussion on Twitter as a result of retweet about racism. I had not focused on that prejudice, and racism are not just wrong but sins. I had felt justified being prejudice, but now I realize, that rationalization not the truth. God is not pleased with prejudice attitudes. He doesn’t need me to judge His creation.

Sidebar, my children, are very open minded. I don’t know how but I am thankful.  My youngest daughter and I were riding the Metrolink. A gay couple got on sat behind us. I wouldn’t have known their orientation had not the one guy said to the other,  “put your bags here, so we can cuddle.”  My daughter looked at me knowing I was uncomfortable. I thought to myself if were heterosexual would I still feel uncomfortable? I don’t believe in public displays of affection between adults. Children that is another story. Then I thought what if they start making out? They didn’t so, I didn’t have to worry.  Yes, if a heterosexual couple made out in the presence of me and my daughter I would feel uncomfortable too.

 After the initial reactions, I thought these gay guys are brave. From all the hate crimes, you hear about I would have thought they would have a fear of homophobic people attacking them. Today I heard a gay man telling about a horrible retail experience. He said a cashier looked at pictures of his family and seemed disgusted. I thought glad I was not that cashier. I know I would have acted awkward.  To handle the situation. I thought I would have to put my judgmental/ Christian attitude on the shelf.  Funny being judgmental, and Christian are opposites for real.  As Christian, I am to show love and compassion to all.

 My other reaction was I am a black female; this man has not experience prejudiced like me. I had to realize I can’t judge somebody else’s emotional pain.

 I have to deal with my beliefs. I can not cling to the idea “God Hates Gays”. God hates sin period. He hates lying, fornication, adultery and every other sin I have committed. To convert more people to Christianity, it is going to take kindness. Hate speech, guilt, and shame are not going work. Even if you do convince somebody to believe in God. You will hinder their relationship because they will view God as the author of guilt and shame. When God is truly the author of Love and kindness.

 I believe once you develop a relationship with God, the Spirit will convict you on wrong actions.

About a month ago, the pastor was sharing  a story about a woman that had come to church in attire that showed off the girls (her bare breast). He said she also had visible passion marks. He scolded her for coming to church like that.  I got upset, I thought he shouldn’t have shamed this woman.  I thought that why people don’t want to come to church. Jesus didn’t shame the woman caught in adultery. He didn’t shame the prostitute who anointed him. He didn’t even shame the woman at the well. Even Rahab, the harlot, was not shamed but given the chance to learn the faith and become respectable.

What about come as you are?  I do believe when people know better they will do better. God will come convict them.  I am not a pastor or other church official, but I will suggest to you what was suggested to me in AA keep coming back. Bring you butt your mind will follow. Yeah, I am going to talk about your plunging v, short dress or skirt That you smell like liquor have body odor. Even though I had to go to church, all jacked up before with body odor myself. You keep coming. You might have to share what you learned in the sermon with me one day.  The irony will be I missed it because I was tripping on you instead of focusing on the sermon.